Taking the bus

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving after braai. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice pinotage. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

BiP and the Global Recession

I feel that our international Braai Improvement Process (BIP) needs to make a statement in the face of a global economic recession. As a leading social movement, BIP needs to demonstrate compassion and stand with millions of fellow braai/barbecue members who are now unemployed.

BIP would like to offer our readership two braai responses that will alleviate the tragedy of being made redundant years before this was necessary. As always, I’d appreciate your insights on ways that BIP can continue to improve the lives of all regardless of race, creed or gender.

The reconciliation and retribution braai

BIP suggests that you invite your boss and his/her family to your house after you have been retrenched or fired. The invitation should be worded in the following way:

I have recently been thinking about the times we’ve spent together over the years at work. Although I was surprised and somewhat upset by the fact that I was the one to be retrenched, I would like to apologise for my reactions and for holding you personally responsible at the time. I now realise that it was not your fault I was retrenched and that banks and other corporate financial institutions focused on capitalist greed are the real problem.

I would like to reconcile with you and your family and therefore invite you to a braai/barbecue at my house on the following Saturday. Please do not bring anything with you, as I would like to apologise in person and treat you to a family feast as a part of my apology.

Yours in reconciliation……”

The secret to this braai is to prepare food that looks identical. Take two chickens and prepare the following stuffing:

• Chicken 1. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of dark chocolate broken into pieces, 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.
• Chicken 2. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of Brooklax (or any other chocolate flavoured stomach relaxant), 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.

Braai both chickens in a weber using a divided fire but make very sure that you know which chicken is stuffed with Brooklax. Melt 100g of chocolate mixed with a teaspoon of cayenne pepper and swirl this over both chickens. This will disguise any strange smells emanating from the Brooklax chicken. Put each chicken on a separate platter. Insist on serving your ex-employer’s family first. Remove the brooklax chicken platter with a flourish and bring out the chocolate-stuffed chicken for your own family.

It is very important that you keep your cool at a braai like this. I would offer a ‘sincere apology’ at the beginning of the meal and then toast your ex-employer’s family. I would then explain that I spared no expense for this meal and hope they like it. This should make them feel that they have to eat your food even though chocolate-flavoured chicken is disgusting. You have one hour before the Brooklax will take effect after they’ve eaten it. This means you need to serve dessert immediately after the chicken and then pointedly offer tea or coffee. If they fail to show any signs of leaving, explain to them that your family is late for a training session at AMWAY that will change their lives and economic fortunes.

We do know that this choice of braai will only provide temporary belief as you will still remain unemployed, but we feel it is an important part of your healing process and a reminder that a sense of humour gets you through most things.

The next BIP strategy will focus on how you can find a solution to unemployment through using your very own braai/barbecue equipment.

The Income Generation Braai

Many people are tempted to become depressed when they have no job. Depression is not going to help you make money. BIP would like to share a strategy with you that is guaranteed to make money for you. All you need to have is braai equipment, even if you just borrow this from a neighbour.

Step 1 - Venue

1. Approach your local school or sports ground and tell them you would like to raise funds for charity.
2. Act outraged if they try and charge you for use of the school field.

Step 2 - The guests

1. Write out fliers or if you have a Blackberry, send BBMs through the airwaves announcing a braai competition at the local school/sports ground.
2. On the invitation, ask people to bring their own braai and braai food for the competition. Each entrant will also need to pay US $ 50 (R 400) to braai at the local school/sports field and that these funds will be given to unemployed people. Note that people will not be allowed to bring alcohol onto the premises and announce that a cash bar will be established on site.

Step 3 - The braai

1. Solicit competition prizes for free from large corporate companies. If you have no success here, speak to the wealthier members of your family and ask them to park their cars on ramps around the school field. Make sure that your family members ‘win’ their cars back as family members can be dangerous if they’re upset.
2. Place a large desk in the middle of the field and announce members of your family as impartial judges of the braai competition. Repeat that the proceeds of this braai competition will go to the unemployed.
3. Send around a team of ‘officials’ with platters who will instruct the competitors to place the braaied meat on the platters for judging.
4. Announce disguised members of your family as winners of the braai competition and hand them back their car keys.
5. Send off all braaied meat submitted for judging purposes with a family member to your house and instruct him/her to place the meat in your deep freeze. Cooked meat freezes very well.
6. Announce the amount of money that will be given to unemployed people as a result of the braai competition entrance fees and thank everyone for supporting such a good cause.

The income generation braai allows you to have genuine fun while raising much needed funds for your unemployed family and free food. You will be surrounded by fellow braai members who are very impressed with your generosity to the unemployed.

The income generation braai theme can be repeated often but we would suggest that you may wish to change your geographic area for each competition. It may also help you to have an official stamp of approval for your braai competitions and BIP will happily provide our international approval stamp for only US $ 5000.

Yours in braaing splendour,

Shayfish

BIP Founding member

Quasi-South Region

What is a South African braai?

Dear Drebster

It has been a while since we last communicated on the Braai Improvement Process (BIP). I have recently had some space to ponder and wonder if BIP can be truly classified as a South African based international organisation. As you may have noticed our BIP blog is now receiving communication from foreigners commenting on the South African braai experience. What made me sit up was that this communication was well informed and beautifully written.

I have therefore decided to take a brutal look at BIP and reflect on whether we are in fact the leading authority on South African braais. In this past week, I only managed to braai on four of the days. I was tempted to blame the weather for this, but foreign guests reading this may accuse of me being a wimp. Having then consciously chosen to braai on 4 weekdays, my research question stands – What is a South African braai?

On Day 1, I chose to braai steak, boerewors (spiced sausage) and a spatchcock (splayed) chicken. I baked potatoes and butternut as a side dish for the meat. Of these ingredients, butternut and boerewors could be described as South African foods, but even these are well known internationally. I cooked the chicken in my Weber using firelighters (paraffin) and briquettes, which any European or American could have done. I also used firelighters and Namibian hardwood (Kameldoring) for the steak and boerewors. I should have used my local Cape Times newspaper to start the fire.

On Day 2, I braaied pork ribs and baked a try of roast vegetables. At this stage, I had run out of firelighters and ended up chopping wood with a hand axe and using newspaper. I was very impressed with this and felt decidedly macho. Unfortunately no-one at home was witness to this affirmation of my masculinity. Pork ribs cannot be described as South African.

On Day 3, I decided to cook a waterblommetjie (water lilies) bredie in my potjie (three legged iron pot). As usual I used firelighters and briquettes. For the meat, I used Namibian mutton and cooked this with rosemary, garlic, onions, chicken stock and white wine. The white wine was South African. After 2 hours, I added the South African waterblommetjies, lemon rind and lemon juice. I then made Basmati rice. Basmati rice is genetically modified and non-South African. I chose to ignore the faint grittiness of the waterblommetjies and braved my family’s derisive comments that I had not soaked the blommetjies in salt water for long enough.

On Day 4, I marinated a 2.5 kg leg of lamb with rosemary, garlic, South African Old Brown sherry and a pinch of Starbucks coffee. The coffee eradicates any metallic taste of the sherry. I then used a divided fire in my Weber to roast this for 2 hours. I then opened two tubs of humus, made tzatziki, and guacamole (mashed avocados). I served this with heated pita breads. At least the sherry was South African.

It causes me great sadness to admit that not one of these braais could be described as South African, with the possible exception of the waterblommetjie bredie. As a founder member of BIP and a South African braaimeester, I have had to think very carefully about my response to this crisis.

I would now like to propose the following definition of the South African braai, which I feel should be part of the BIP Constitution.

Any braai that uses one locally produced South African ingredient can be called a South African braai. The term ‘ingredient’ also applies to the entire braai (braai structure, wood, food, braai drinks, etc.).

BIP recognises that all of humanity originates from Africa and as a part of Africa we can therefore claim the right to braai any food subsequently developed by any person or nation and call it South African.

We acknowledge that we are a cross-cultural country and BIP recognises that South Africa is the ultimate braai nation with unique approaches not found elsewhere in the world. We applaud best South African braai practices, such as cooking ‘smileys’ (lamb jawbone) with an acetylene torch.

I feel that the addition of this definition to our constitution will prevent us from any critique be it local or international and allow BIP to take its rightful place as the leading visionary for South African braais within a globalised world.

Sincerely

Shayfish
Quasi-Deep South Region

American makes friends with Braai - Guest author Blake Fields

My Braaing Experience, by Blake Fields

I recently returned from an amazing trip to South Africa. I stayed pretty close to the city of Durban for most of the trip and was surprised and delighted every day at the new experiences of South African culture. I did visit a mall or two during my stay, but my favorite experiences were browsing the traditional marketplaces for amazing [http://www.tanga.com] and going to braais. I'm used to going to barbecues in the States, so I initially drew some pretty close parallels to braaing and barbecuing, but I soon learned how wrong I was.

There are some similarities between a braai and a traditional American barbecue, which can confuse newcomers. Both are largely social affairs, which generally feature close friends and family spending an evening together, talking and having fun. Also, both are centered on the food; nothing can bring together a large, diverse group of people like expertly prepared food. The responsibility of cooking the meat is left up to one man in both traditions, though it's not as serious an offense to mess with someone else's grill in America. Beer also seems to be a pretty important part of both practices, with the men generally having a drink while discussing major sporting events, politics or current news.

Though it may seem as though a braai and American barbecue are nearly the same, most of the similarities are only surface level, I soon found. Typically, Americans will go to the supermarket and pick up a few types of meat, then move on. For a braai, however, people will visit a local butcher for the best meat they can get, including chicken, steaks, boerwors, a spicy sausage, sosaties and fish. The incredible variety of meat available at a braai floored me my first time and now I find myself slightly disappointed when I go to a barbecue and see only hamburgers and hot dogs. Another major difference is that, though you may offer to help prepare the meat, you never touch another man's braai unless he asks you. Braaing is an art form and telling another man what to do or, worse, attempting to do it yourself, would be like taking a painter's brush from his hands and trying to finish the painting yourself. You're free to marvel at the cook's skill and try to learn his techniques, but butting in is definitely unwelcome.

My experiences in South Africa, from haggling with vendors in the marketplace to buying meat and produce at the farmer's market will always be among my fondest memories. My favorite parts of my trip, though, were the fantastic times I was able to have with people at braais, learning about their food culture and having a blast at the same time. I'm definitely looking forward to introducing my friends to some of the amazing food I discovered during my trip.

Blake Fields
[blake007 [ a t ] cooksandtravelbooks.com]