Legitimacy of the Weber

Dear Dreb

I hope you are well and taking advantage of the clement weather to further improve your braaing skills. This is not the purpose of my communication to you however. I fear this may be one of last letters to you as the co-founder of BIP as I have discovered an inconvenient truth that threatens my entire identity as a braaimeester.

As you are aware, I have over the years engaged in robust debate as to whether the Weber is a legitimate form of braaing. As you will have also noted, my position has always been that of diehard support for the Weber as an ultimate braaing machine. I can no longer hold to this belief and hereby declare myself a fraudulent braaimeester. This is deeply embarrassing. I have not previously had the courage to publicly out myself as a fraudster, but have decided against my own better judgement that this is the only ethical path to take.  

Over a month ago, we decided to give our oven a vigorous clean. After a few hours and several changes of clothes, we were immensely impressed with the  sparkling state of our rejuvenated oven. I couldn’t wait for supper time and gleefully switched the oven on to 220 degrees Celsius, which promptly flicked the entire house into darkness. During the oven cleaning it appears that we irrevocably wrecked the element. After repeated disco displays of lights flashing on and off to the tune of our oven switch, I realised that I had to cook the evening meal in the Weber.

I fired the Weber up and browned my onions and mushrooms  - fortunately the stove top still worked. I then made a white cheese sauce and boiled macaroni.  After layering the pasta and adding bacon to ensure that the meal had at least one meat, I placed the casserole pot into the Weber in between the divided coals. After half an hour I checked it and the edges of the macaroni looked suitably braaied but otherwise it looked exactly as if it had come out of the oven. It was only then that that the thudding realization hit me that the Weber is an Oven. I nearly fell over and had to hold on to my overweight Labrador for support while I held back a sob at my own ultimate betrayal. Since then, I have used the Weber nearly daily as an oven and have cooked pork chops in a baking tray with sliced sweet potatoes, apples and potatoes smothered in a garlic, rosemary, olive and lemon juice marinade; roast beef and potatoes, and chicken pieces with courgettes and pineapple. I could go on but at this stage I need to draw the threadbare strands  of my shattered feelings close around the iciness of my heart.

After our oven was fixed, I walked outside and placed the Weber cover over my oven machine. I realise that I have fooled myself and my friends for years and can only beg for your forgiveness and mercy.

As a gesture of my humility, I would now like to invite you to an oven baked supper. The starters will be baked, rosemary-smoked aubergines smashed into a pate with olive oil and garlic accompanied by home baked bread. The main course will be macaroni and for dessert I will serve oven baked biscuits gently smoked with thyme. This will give you an opportunity to update me on your recent braaing feats and we can discuss the international ramifications of my fraud for BIP.

My deepest apologies

Shayfish

(Formerly BIP-Deep South)

BiP and the Global Recession

I feel that our international Braai Improvement Process (BIP) needs to make a statement in the face of a global economic recession. As a leading social movement, BIP needs to demonstrate compassion and stand with millions of fellow braai/barbecue members who are now unemployed.

BIP would like to offer our readership two braai responses that will alleviate the tragedy of being made redundant years before this was necessary. As always, I’d appreciate your insights on ways that BIP can continue to improve the lives of all regardless of race, creed or gender.

The reconciliation and retribution braai

BIP suggests that you invite your boss and his/her family to your house after you have been retrenched or fired. The invitation should be worded in the following way:

I have recently been thinking about the times we’ve spent together over the years at work. Although I was surprised and somewhat upset by the fact that I was the one to be retrenched, I would like to apologise for my reactions and for holding you personally responsible at the time. I now realise that it was not your fault I was retrenched and that banks and other corporate financial institutions focused on capitalist greed are the real problem.

I would like to reconcile with you and your family and therefore invite you to a braai/barbecue at my house on the following Saturday. Please do not bring anything with you, as I would like to apologise in person and treat you to a family feast as a part of my apology.

Yours in reconciliation……”

The secret to this braai is to prepare food that looks identical. Take two chickens and prepare the following stuffing:

• Chicken 1. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of dark chocolate broken into pieces, 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.
• Chicken 2. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of Brooklax (or any other chocolate flavoured stomach relaxant), 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.

Braai both chickens in a weber using a divided fire but make very sure that you know which chicken is stuffed with Brooklax. Melt 100g of chocolate mixed with a teaspoon of cayenne pepper and swirl this over both chickens. This will disguise any strange smells emanating from the Brooklax chicken. Put each chicken on a separate platter. Insist on serving your ex-employer’s family first. Remove the brooklax chicken platter with a flourish and bring out the chocolate-stuffed chicken for your own family.

It is very important that you keep your cool at a braai like this. I would offer a ‘sincere apology’ at the beginning of the meal and then toast your ex-employer’s family. I would then explain that I spared no expense for this meal and hope they like it. This should make them feel that they have to eat your food even though chocolate-flavoured chicken is disgusting. You have one hour before the Brooklax will take effect after they’ve eaten it. This means you need to serve dessert immediately after the chicken and then pointedly offer tea or coffee. If they fail to show any signs of leaving, explain to them that your family is late for a training session at AMWAY that will change their lives and economic fortunes.

We do know that this choice of braai will only provide temporary belief as you will still remain unemployed, but we feel it is an important part of your healing process and a reminder that a sense of humour gets you through most things.

The next BIP strategy will focus on how you can find a solution to unemployment through using your very own braai/barbecue equipment.

The Income Generation Braai

Many people are tempted to become depressed when they have no job. Depression is not going to help you make money. BIP would like to share a strategy with you that is guaranteed to make money for you. All you need to have is braai equipment, even if you just borrow this from a neighbour.

Step 1 - Venue

1. Approach your local school or sports ground and tell them you would like to raise funds for charity.
2. Act outraged if they try and charge you for use of the school field.

Step 2 - The guests

1. Write out fliers or if you have a Blackberry, send BBMs through the airwaves announcing a braai competition at the local school/sports ground.
2. On the invitation, ask people to bring their own braai and braai food for the competition. Each entrant will also need to pay US $ 50 (R 400) to braai at the local school/sports field and that these funds will be given to unemployed people. Note that people will not be allowed to bring alcohol onto the premises and announce that a cash bar will be established on site.

Step 3 - The braai

1. Solicit competition prizes for free from large corporate companies. If you have no success here, speak to the wealthier members of your family and ask them to park their cars on ramps around the school field. Make sure that your family members ‘win’ their cars back as family members can be dangerous if they’re upset.
2. Place a large desk in the middle of the field and announce members of your family as impartial judges of the braai competition. Repeat that the proceeds of this braai competition will go to the unemployed.
3. Send around a team of ‘officials’ with platters who will instruct the competitors to place the braaied meat on the platters for judging.
4. Announce disguised members of your family as winners of the braai competition and hand them back their car keys.
5. Send off all braaied meat submitted for judging purposes with a family member to your house and instruct him/her to place the meat in your deep freeze. Cooked meat freezes very well.
6. Announce the amount of money that will be given to unemployed people as a result of the braai competition entrance fees and thank everyone for supporting such a good cause.

The income generation braai allows you to have genuine fun while raising much needed funds for your unemployed family and free food. You will be surrounded by fellow braai members who are very impressed with your generosity to the unemployed.

The income generation braai theme can be repeated often but we would suggest that you may wish to change your geographic area for each competition. It may also help you to have an official stamp of approval for your braai competitions and BIP will happily provide our international approval stamp for only US $ 5000.

Yours in braaing splendour,

Shayfish

BIP Founding member

Quasi-South Region

What is a South African braai?

Dear Drebster

It has been a while since we last communicated on the Braai Improvement Process (BIP). I have recently had some space to ponder and wonder if BIP can be truly classified as a South African based international organisation. As you may have noticed our BIP blog is now receiving communication from foreigners commenting on the South African braai experience. What made me sit up was that this communication was well informed and beautifully written.

I have therefore decided to take a brutal look at BIP and reflect on whether we are in fact the leading authority on South African braais. In this past week, I only managed to braai on four of the days. I was tempted to blame the weather for this, but foreign guests reading this may accuse of me being a wimp. Having then consciously chosen to braai on 4 weekdays, my research question stands – What is a South African braai?

On Day 1, I chose to braai steak, boerewors (spiced sausage) and a spatchcock (splayed) chicken. I baked potatoes and butternut as a side dish for the meat. Of these ingredients, butternut and boerewors could be described as South African foods, but even these are well known internationally. I cooked the chicken in my Weber using firelighters (paraffin) and briquettes, which any European or American could have done. I also used firelighters and Namibian hardwood (Kameldoring) for the steak and boerewors. I should have used my local Cape Times newspaper to start the fire.

On Day 2, I braaied pork ribs and baked a try of roast vegetables. At this stage, I had run out of firelighters and ended up chopping wood with a hand axe and using newspaper. I was very impressed with this and felt decidedly macho. Unfortunately no-one at home was witness to this affirmation of my masculinity. Pork ribs cannot be described as South African.

On Day 3, I decided to cook a waterblommetjie (water lilies) bredie in my potjie (three legged iron pot). As usual I used firelighters and briquettes. For the meat, I used Namibian mutton and cooked this with rosemary, garlic, onions, chicken stock and white wine. The white wine was South African. After 2 hours, I added the South African waterblommetjies, lemon rind and lemon juice. I then made Basmati rice. Basmati rice is genetically modified and non-South African. I chose to ignore the faint grittiness of the waterblommetjies and braved my family’s derisive comments that I had not soaked the blommetjies in salt water for long enough.

On Day 4, I marinated a 2.5 kg leg of lamb with rosemary, garlic, South African Old Brown sherry and a pinch of Starbucks coffee. The coffee eradicates any metallic taste of the sherry. I then used a divided fire in my Weber to roast this for 2 hours. I then opened two tubs of humus, made tzatziki, and guacamole (mashed avocados). I served this with heated pita breads. At least the sherry was South African.

It causes me great sadness to admit that not one of these braais could be described as South African, with the possible exception of the waterblommetjie bredie. As a founder member of BIP and a South African braaimeester, I have had to think very carefully about my response to this crisis.

I would now like to propose the following definition of the South African braai, which I feel should be part of the BIP Constitution.

Any braai that uses one locally produced South African ingredient can be called a South African braai. The term ‘ingredient’ also applies to the entire braai (braai structure, wood, food, braai drinks, etc.).

BIP recognises that all of humanity originates from Africa and as a part of Africa we can therefore claim the right to braai any food subsequently developed by any person or nation and call it South African.

We acknowledge that we are a cross-cultural country and BIP recognises that South Africa is the ultimate braai nation with unique approaches not found elsewhere in the world. We applaud best South African braai practices, such as cooking ‘smileys’ (lamb jawbone) with an acetylene torch.

I feel that the addition of this definition to our constitution will prevent us from any critique be it local or international and allow BIP to take its rightful place as the leading visionary for South African braais within a globalised world.

Sincerely

Shayfish
Quasi-Deep South Region

World Cup braaing

Dear Dewman

I would like to show deep reverence for your principled stand against observing any of the FIFA World Cup games, which is to be applauded. Unfortunately, I cannot make the same claim and acknowledge that my passion for this World Cup could be equated to that of a seasoned harlot. This has allowed me to gain some insight into ways that people braai in the middle of the World Cup.

Over 98% of all commercial food sold at the World Cup uses gas burners that cannot be equated to a braai. It does not even come close. Upon inspection of some of these facilities at the Cape Town Fan Walk, the ‘braai grids’ above the gas burner were caked in fat and carbon. Clearly no-one had informed them of the BIP rule to burn off your braai grids before braaing. Gas burners also disobey the cardinal braai rule of lighting a fire and then waiting for the coals to be ready, which allows humanity to engage in frivolous discourse on the meaning of life.

Boerewors was minimally existent and German sausages formed an important part of most menus. I only discovered why this was so towards the end of the World Cup. Boerewors takes on average 80% longer to cook than German sausages do and rapid production lines are all important when 60 000 people are waiting for fast food.

Given this moral absence of braaing at the World Cup, I would like to offer the experiences of a real braai that I performed at during the World Cup. This braai was held for 9 adults and 4 children. As I did not know many of them very well, I bought the food the day before in an attempt to be as organised as possible. This included three boxes of frozen prawns, salads, ingredients for a veggie potjie and basmati rice. In the absence of any BIP advisors, my wife was consulted and I was sent out shopping again on the day of the braai to purchase two dead chickens and boerewors.

I fired up my braai and the Weber at 10h00. The day was extraordinarily windy and for some reason this affected my chickens. I have never witnessed a chicken simultaneously burned and raw at the same time. As a BIP professional this did not phase me – I merely made sure that all sides of the chicken were burnt and proudly informed my audience that Cajun chicken is the new black in braai ‘fashionista’ circles.

The prawns killed me. What point is there in defrosting a sea cockroach (many hours), then dousing it in marinade for four hours and finally braaing them, only to watch them shrivel up and constitute one bite? I need to make a critical admission here. My prawns originally hailed from India and try as I might I struggled to find the intestines of all these prawns. Don’t get me wrong, I love India and all Indian food, but I don’t trust their water. I therefore avoided cooking the prawns until they were translucent and made very sure that they were over-cooked just in case I spread typhoid across the Cape Town community.

As you are well aware, basmati rice was one of the first genetically modified products and it cannot be braaied. My veg potjie was the usual – vegetables topped with coconut cream and cashew nuts so as to disguise the taste of vegetables. I did not have the mental strength to cook the boerewors.

This meal was served at 14h30, ostensibly to accommodate a late-comer, but in reality I could not produce this braai any faster. Despite the platitudes received on this braai I was left with a profound feeling of discomfort and made a mental note to reflect on this braai in the spirit of a true BIP professional. My observations are as follows: 

• 15 hours of preparation and cooking time to prepare a meal is similar to English people having the time to watch five days of test cricket. 
• This entire braai could have been produced in any country and had no South African character. Cooking the boerewors would have helped. 
• Solo braaing for large numbers of people is over-rated, especially if the majority of them don’t drink alcohol and therefore politely sit inside instead of wildly cheering your progress at the fireplace. 
• Once the food is eaten, there just isn’t very much to talk about especially if you don’t really know the people you’ve invited. (We were saved however by World Cup game 56 which started at 16h00) 

In reflecting on these earth-shattering observations, I made the important realization that BIP professionals need to be on top of their game. As the BIP movement celebrates the World Cup, so too do we need to accommodate change. While braaing is a quintessential South African art form, it’s fine for BIP to adopt other foods and customs alien to South Africa. However, what the World Cup has taught me is that it’s also fine to braai German sausage for 2 minutes and serve with this with bread rolls and lettuce, especially if you don’t know the people very well. 

Yours as ever in BIP 

Shayfish

Quasi-South Region

The dangers of vegetarian braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel a strong need to reflect on my recent experience of vegetarian braaing, which has threatened to scar me for life. I have long been suspicious of vegetarian braaing, as I normally have very little in common with vegetarians. Most of my popular braai topics such as the merits of rare steak or lightly marinated lamb chops somewhat fall flat in my braai discussions with vegetarians.

Be that as it may, some of my best friends are quasi-vegetarians. Knowing that I have yet to attain veggie braaimeester status I thought it would be a very good idea to be ultimately prepared for this braai. My friend had reluctantly agree to try chicken so long as it didn’t look  or taste like chicken. I therefore prepared a marinade for ‘chicken tikka tikka’ – the usual yoghurt, turmeric, garlic, roasted sesame seeds number. After the lemon doused chicken pieces were threaded onto bamboo sticks and submerged in luminescent yellow marinade for a few hours, there was very little to indicate that this was a chicken dish.  I then marinated a few lamb chops in garlic, rosemary and olive oil just in case the vegetarian side of things proved inedible.

My piece de resistance however was taken from a Frenchie barbecue recipe for vegetarian sausages. This involved...

Communal braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel it is imperative that BIP considers some health and safety guidelines for communal or mass braaing. If we fail in this, we may well compromise our worldwide Braai Improvement Process (BIP) movement. I would like to offer the following example of a recent communal braai that I attended.

I was required to attend a parent’s campout night at a local school by my five year old daughter and my wife. Albeit reluctant, I agreed to this relentless pressure. I arrived at Hollow School with my new tent in tow and proceeded to try and erect it in a howling South-Easter gale.

Confluence of braaing and football

Dear braaibed colleagues,

Amidst the turmoil and exhaustion at the end of last year, I somewhat exuberantly announced that the next BIP newsletter would focus on the confluence of braaing and football. Whereas I have to admit that my knowledge of football is not significant, I feel that BIP in the African World Cup year has to say something about this.

Simply put, braaing is the ultimate description of life as we know it. From the evolution of humanity, we progressed to cooking food on fires, whereas soccer appears to have arisen as a game in the 15th century odd involving two villages trying to carry/kick a pig's bladder to each other's village. It is now accepted fact that after the respective village won and all the dead and maimed were removed from the 'field', they braaied the pig's bladder, although oral history records on this are surprisingly short on detail as to how it was braaied.

Embarrassing Learning Curves

As BIP professionals, I feel it is important to acknowledge our inner fears and failings as a conscious reflective strategy for improvement of our braai skills. I wish to place on record two 'incidents' in which I felt that I was not in control.

Braai the beloved country

Having freshly arrived back from a holiday in the Eastern Cape, which involved a significant number of braais, I feel compelled to inform BIP of the fact that radically different braai cultures exist within our beloved country. Whilst this is not necessarily a bad thing, I do feel that we need to include a guide to braaing food in an edible way within our BIP manual.

As the following BIP case studies involve people that we actually know, I have changed their names to protect their braaing prowess.

Psycho-social braaing

Dear Dreb Jr,

I would like to formally thank you for yet another fabulous BIP missive , which I unfortunately only received yesterday. I myself have been reflecting on the meaning of braais recently and have come to the conclusion that they are psycho-social cultural events. To explain how I arrived at this conclusion, I offer the following applied research case study.

During the last weekend, I spent Friday and Sunday amusing Australians. On Saturday, I spent time with my sister to take a break from amusing Australians. Part of my amusement strategy was to braai for the Australians - I did inform them about BIP, but announced that BIP membership was not open to Australians or anyone else who uses the word "barbecue" to describe braaing.

Re: Braaitidea lighting my head

Greetings LBD

I too have been thinking of the improvement of our braai skills. This was recently highlighted when I performed a Weber braai on Sunday evening. A certain Holtipop and his Uberlicious arrived for said braai. I decided a rosemary smoked chicken would be in order. Knowing that one of the legs of my Weber braai was decidely disabled, I handled the braai machine with extreme care. As the chicken was nearing its cooking time I lifted the lid to ascertain my prowess in "webering". Unfortunately, as I replaced the lid, the entire Weber braai turned anti-clockwise and then slowly cartwheeled to the ground, leaving two aluminium legs standing upright in what could only be described as a "fuck you" sign.