Confluence of braaing and football

Dear braaibed colleagues,

Amidst the turmoil and exhaustion at the end of last year, I somewhat exuberantly announced that the next BIP newsletter would focus on the confluence of braaing and football. Whereas I have to admit that my knowledge of football is not significant, I feel that BIP in the African World Cup year has to say something about this.

Simply put, braaing is the ultimate description of life as we know it. From the evolution of humanity, we progressed to cooking food on fires, whereas soccer appears to have arisen as a game in the 15th century odd involving two villages trying to carry/kick a pig's bladder to each other's village. It is now accepted fact that after the respective village won and all the dead and maimed were removed from the 'field', they braaied the pig's bladder, although oral history records on this are surprisingly short on detail as to how it was braaied.


Moving to the modern game, controlled by none other than Seth Bladder, all football positions are now named after critical braaing moments.

A key soccer position is called the Striker, who is expected to score goals and is always in the front of the action. In braai terms, the Striker is reserved for novice braaiers who put their meat first onto the fire shortly after the fire has been struck. This meat is invariably burned, may smell of paraffin, but the Striker enjoys eating their meat before anyone else gets to braai.

A Defender is the term used for people who try and stop goals being scored in their own goal. In braai terms, the term Defender is a South African term that describes the use of a car bumper when braaing. Older South Africans used a ploughshare, a shovel and more recently a skottle for the same purpose. Braai Defenders are generally conservative and will go to great lengths to protect older forms of braaing against newer forms of technological innovation.

A Wing is the term used for players who run up and down the sidelines of the playing field. The Wing is one of the best known braai meats. As all braaimeesters are aware, chicken takes a long time to cook and is therefore best placed on the sides of the fire in order to avoid burning. This tradition has been adopted by soccer who also use the terms left and right Wing to reveal their braaing knowledge.

A Sweeper is a term reserved for players who attempt to clear out the ball from dangerous positions and level the playing field in their team's favour. This refers to the time honoured tradition of the braaimeester reserving the sole right to sweep or rake their coals in order to level the braai for different cuts of meats.

A Mid-fielder is the term used for the players who attempts to control the game from the centre of the field. The Braaing fraternity frowns upon this non-descript term and strongly urges FIFA to revert to the term play-maker or braaimeester.

The Goal keeper is the player most closely associated with braaing action. The role of the Goal keeper is to keep the ball out of the net. In braaing terms, this refers to the level of skill displayed by the braaier in relation to the fire. Goal keepers display very similar actions to the braaier, particularly when the braaier is handling hot potatoes or turning meat by hand. Both keep the meat or the ball in the hand for as little time as possible and clear it away to the dish or field as soon as possible. Both spend a lot of time shouting and ordering the players around them, as is natural when in a tense situation. Both also clap their hands as much as possible in order to cool them down.

Experienced commentators on this game of soccer knowingly use braai terms such as "He/She's on Fire!" and "What a scorcher!" Not to mention the role of the referee, who hands out cards according to the heat of play. A yellow fire card is handed to players who are playing dangerously in front of the fire and a red fire card is given to players who must remove themselves from the braai as their irresponsible actions may result in them being burned.

We of BIP would like to salute the African World Cup and trust that the haze of braais will make for formidable African sunsets.


Yours in BIP

Shayfish
Quasi-Southern Region