Children's Braai

Dear Dreb

It has been a while since we last communicated on our Braai Improvement Process. I have put this down to the fact that we’ve had a particularly wet spring and that there is only a limited amount of enthusiasm for reporting on braais that take place under a kettle lid or Weber.

I would however like to reflect with you on a braai I held recently for children. A friend of mine arrived with two pre-teens and a young adult aged 3. I fielded my wife, a 16 and 6 year old for this braai. I hadn’t seen this friend for a while and thought I should elevate this braai somewhat. I therefore bought a large steak fillet, fresh herbs, bacon, potatoes, butter and brandy. Armed with these fine ingredients, I was ready to proceed.

I started by testing the quality of the KWC 5 year old brandy by mixing this with coke. It tasted excellent and did not leave any oily taste in the mouth, even after the second brandy and coke. I lit the weber and used the indirect method. I then dried the fillet with toilet paper and pressed a mound of coarse black pepper all over it. This sat for 30 minutes while I peeled potatoes and par-boiled them. I also made a salad, which looks good although I personally don’t touch the stuff. After placing the oiled potatoes into the oven at 220 degrees I added the fresh herbs onto the fillet and then tied rashers of bacon around the fillet and herbs. This is no mean feat and I found myself using a lot of string. My guests arrived and we sipped on delicious red wine to allay the usual parent concerns that our children will: 

  (a) be nice to the guests, other children and,
  (b) not bother us.

The fillet took about 25 minutes to cook until it was rare and I then transferred this to the kitchen to rest. I whipped out the potatoes into a bowl and dumped the salad next to it on the table. The children were summonsed while I melted butter and poured this all over the now sliced steak. I then encountered a minor problem. In my gay abandon, I had no clean pots left. I therefore poured a generous amount of brandy into a microwave-proof bowl and heated it. I noticed that the bowl was in fact very hot as I carried it to the table. Being a seasoned BIP expert, this did not faze me. I lit the brandy in front of expectant and presumably adoring faces, which very nearly succeeded in burning my eyelashes off. Somewhat perturbed, I picked the bowl up to pour over the fillet steak but by now the heat of the bowl defied even a BIP professional. The burning brandy did land on the meat initially, but also over the table, chairs and plastic children’s cups. It was rather spectacular as it flowed lava-like down the table. For some inexplicable reason, the children evacuated their seats, which I ascribed to poor parental training. I relit the brandy in the steak platter to ensure it was all burned off which duly reignited.

It was here that calamity struck. As I cooled my singed hands in the kitchen under running water, I expectantly awaited suitable applause and opprobrium for my braaing feat. Instead there was silence. Then a question came from the pre-teen – “What does brandy taste like and is there brandy on my steak?” My response was to splutter in my wine and note in a stern voice that all of the brandy had burned off even though I could not help but notice that the pieces of steak did appear to be floating in the platter. This response did not seem to appease pre-teens who both stopped eating immediately. The 3 year old announced he did not eat meat. Thankfully my six year old daughter did not seem to understand the question and carried on eating sublimely unaware of any crisis. I then caught the 16 year old out of the corner of my eye walking to the kitchen to drain the ‘sauce’ off her plate. I ended up cutting little cubes out of the centre of each piece of fillet steak and offering these to the pre-teens only to be informed they were full. My friend and wife valiantly assured me it was a superb meal albeit that they also felt it their duty to inform me that there did appear to be a lot of brandy in the meal.

My dog mysteriously refused to lick the steak platter clean the next morning.

I spent some time reflecting on this BIP masterpiece braai. Being open-minded, I felt I should be open to criticism, even if it came from pre-teens and these are my open reflections: 

• Fillet steak is wasted on young people. 
• Always use a handled saucepan to pour any boiling brandy over meat. It really does avoid embarrassment. 
• Always be prepared for children’s braais with appropriate parental advice. I really missed a trick by not responding with “Someday you’ll thank us adults for introducing you to Epicurean foibles” or some other infallible comment. 
• Never braai for children. They’re very happy with hot dogs and fish fingers, which leaves BIP professionals space for creative cooking. 

I’d appreciate your thoughts on these reflections as I feel some of these should even be considered for inclusion in our BIP Constitution.

Yours as ever in BIP

Shayfish
BIP Quasi-South Region

BiP Worldwide Tour

Dear Dreb

I am extremely concerned that world-wide braaing is on the decline, partly due to nanny state concerns about the hygienic aspects of braaing and mainly because we’re all in a global recession. This could potentially affect our Braai Improvement Process (BIP) income and our only plan for luxury retirement. I feel we need to launch an international braai tour sponsored by British American Tobacco (BAT) who is not averse to smoke.

Most companies require a business plan but if we could provide a demo of our upcoming world tour, funding from BAT will be a pushover. I feel this tour should have maximum appeal to your average braai person rather than portraying braaing as an elite sport. I propose the following low key approach.

• Scene 1: Panoramic backdrop of small Cape fishing village showing mountain and sea. African drum-rolls that crescendo in pace. Dreb and Shayfish enter stage shrouded in cloaks. Fireworks erupt and the hidden braai erupts into flame. Dreb and Shayfish drop their cloaks and launch into Zulu/Nguni dancing wearing traditional African zebra skins (black and white on the same skin show our commitment to non-racialism). We may need doubles here, as my Achilles heel is not as strong as it was. 

• Break: We need this so that the fire is ready for braaing 

• Scene 2: Freshly Ground provide us with a World Braai Cup song as we re-enter the stage. Backdrop shows Dreb catching a yellowtail fish with bare hands at an undisclosed location somewhere in Cape Town. (I think we may want to leave the gutting part out of the visuals). Women actors ululate while carrying dead yellowtail fish to Dreb and Shayfish. Dreb and Shayfish set the braai grid above the coals in much the same way as Ernie Els looks when he’s about to putt a golf ball – it’s all about crouching. Lighting changes – glistening sweat rolls off Dreb and Shayfish who peel the zebra skin off their shoulders to form an elaborate loin cloth. Camera pans in and records the hushed conversation prior to flipping the fish. From Shayfish’s left, a menacing snake rears up. Single handedly, Shayfish wrestles the boerewors sausage and expertly rolls it up before placing on the braai. A praise singer enters as the meal is cooked. More praise singers arrive and carry Dreb and Shayfish off stage with the food. 

• Scene 3: Dreb and Shayfish enter wearing Levis and lumberjack shirts (this will appeal to many British and Americans who tend to barbecue). At the table adoring family and friends await the braai. Dreb and Shayfish dress the salad and potatoes (in order to show that real men can actually cook vegetables) and place these on the table. To the sound of Peter Stuyvesant and Camel theme tunes (we must remember our sponsors) family and friends are pictured eating braaied fish and boerewors across the world e.g. the Alps, Grand Canyon, Nababeep etc. We can use Cape Town for most of these scenes, as all film-makers do. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A man’s way to love his family. 

• Scene 4: Dunhill and Lexington theme tunes play softly. A woman enters in dungarees and starts splitting wood with a double edged axe. She adds the split wood to the coals and breathes life into the fire. She then braais prawns (most countries braai this). Family and friends surround her and she serves the prawns in delicate tissue holders. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A women’s way to love her family. 

• Finale: African drum rolls. Lightning and thunder reverberate across the panoramic drop. Each lightening flash shows Dreb and Shayfish in hectic braai mode e.g. muscles taut as five meats are turned etc. Sunshine breaks through – Dreb and Shayfish laugh triumphantly against the backdrop of a spit braai. The shadows lengthen – Dreb and Shayfish being hugged by gorgeous people, braai in the background. A small child, impeccably dressed, brings out a white handkerchief and wipes Dreb’s brow.  Freshly Ground re-enters and sing songs that evoke tears. In the sunset, the message appears – Welcome to Africa – the home of humanity – the home of fire – Braai, brothers and sisters, Braai. Join BIP – change your life and braai for humanity. 

As you can see, this approach has not been tightly formulated and I would welcome your input on BIP’s returns on investment as an international movement.

Yours in BIP

Shayfish
Quasi-South Region

World Cup braaing

Dear Dewman

I would like to show deep reverence for your principled stand against observing any of the FIFA World Cup games, which is to be applauded. Unfortunately, I cannot make the same claim and acknowledge that my passion for this World Cup could be equated to that of a seasoned harlot. This has allowed me to gain some insight into ways that people braai in the middle of the World Cup.

Over 98% of all commercial food sold at the World Cup uses gas burners that cannot be equated to a braai. It does not even come close. Upon inspection of some of these facilities at the Cape Town Fan Walk, the ‘braai grids’ above the gas burner were caked in fat and carbon. Clearly no-one had informed them of the BIP rule to burn off your braai grids before braaing. Gas burners also disobey the cardinal braai rule of lighting a fire and then waiting for the coals to be ready, which allows humanity to engage in frivolous discourse on the meaning of life.

Boerewors was minimally existent and German sausages formed an important part of most menus. I only discovered why this was so towards the end of the World Cup. Boerewors takes on average 80% longer to cook than German sausages do and rapid production lines are all important when 60 000 people are waiting for fast food.

Given this moral absence of braaing at the World Cup, I would like to offer the experiences of a real braai that I performed at during the World Cup. This braai was held for 9 adults and 4 children. As I did not know many of them very well, I bought the food the day before in an attempt to be as organised as possible. This included three boxes of frozen prawns, salads, ingredients for a veggie potjie and basmati rice. In the absence of any BIP advisors, my wife was consulted and I was sent out shopping again on the day of the braai to purchase two dead chickens and boerewors.

I fired up my braai and the Weber at 10h00. The day was extraordinarily windy and for some reason this affected my chickens. I have never witnessed a chicken simultaneously burned and raw at the same time. As a BIP professional this did not phase me – I merely made sure that all sides of the chicken were burnt and proudly informed my audience that Cajun chicken is the new black in braai ‘fashionista’ circles.

The prawns killed me. What point is there in defrosting a sea cockroach (many hours), then dousing it in marinade for four hours and finally braaing them, only to watch them shrivel up and constitute one bite? I need to make a critical admission here. My prawns originally hailed from India and try as I might I struggled to find the intestines of all these prawns. Don’t get me wrong, I love India and all Indian food, but I don’t trust their water. I therefore avoided cooking the prawns until they were translucent and made very sure that they were over-cooked just in case I spread typhoid across the Cape Town community.

As you are well aware, basmati rice was one of the first genetically modified products and it cannot be braaied. My veg potjie was the usual – vegetables topped with coconut cream and cashew nuts so as to disguise the taste of vegetables. I did not have the mental strength to cook the boerewors.

This meal was served at 14h30, ostensibly to accommodate a late-comer, but in reality I could not produce this braai any faster. Despite the platitudes received on this braai I was left with a profound feeling of discomfort and made a mental note to reflect on this braai in the spirit of a true BIP professional. My observations are as follows: 

• 15 hours of preparation and cooking time to prepare a meal is similar to English people having the time to watch five days of test cricket. 
• This entire braai could have been produced in any country and had no South African character. Cooking the boerewors would have helped. 
• Solo braaing for large numbers of people is over-rated, especially if the majority of them don’t drink alcohol and therefore politely sit inside instead of wildly cheering your progress at the fireplace. 
• Once the food is eaten, there just isn’t very much to talk about especially if you don’t really know the people you’ve invited. (We were saved however by World Cup game 56 which started at 16h00) 

In reflecting on these earth-shattering observations, I made the important realization that BIP professionals need to be on top of their game. As the BIP movement celebrates the World Cup, so too do we need to accommodate change. While braaing is a quintessential South African art form, it’s fine for BIP to adopt other foods and customs alien to South Africa. However, what the World Cup has taught me is that it’s also fine to braai German sausage for 2 minutes and serve with this with bread rolls and lettuce, especially if you don’t know the people very well. 

Yours as ever in BIP 

Shayfish

Quasi-South Region

The dangers of vegetarian braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel a strong need to reflect on my recent experience of vegetarian braaing, which has threatened to scar me for life. I have long been suspicious of vegetarian braaing, as I normally have very little in common with vegetarians. Most of my popular braai topics such as the merits of rare steak or lightly marinated lamb chops somewhat fall flat in my braai discussions with vegetarians.

Be that as it may, some of my best friends are quasi-vegetarians. Knowing that I have yet to attain veggie braaimeester status I thought it would be a very good idea to be ultimately prepared for this braai. My friend had reluctantly agree to try chicken so long as it didn’t look  or taste like chicken. I therefore prepared a marinade for ‘chicken tikka tikka’ – the usual yoghurt, turmeric, garlic, roasted sesame seeds number. After the lemon doused chicken pieces were threaded onto bamboo sticks and submerged in luminescent yellow marinade for a few hours, there was very little to indicate that this was a chicken dish.  I then marinated a few lamb chops in garlic, rosemary and olive oil just in case the vegetarian side of things proved inedible.

My piece de resistance however was taken from a Frenchie barbecue recipe for vegetarian sausages. This involved...

BIP vs The Greens

Dear BIP Member,

It has come to my attention that nothing is mentioned about the carbon footprint of the said organisation.

In order for BIP to trade in the lucrative trade in carbon offsets alternative means needs to be found to significantly reduce BIPs carbon footprint.

Having a braai for the proposed 60 - 100 people will produce as much carbon as the Old Athlone power station produced in 1 minute during the height of its carbon belching energy production. In addition to the carbon pollution, there is also the destruction of our imported naturalized Aussie Port Jackson trees as well as the problem of burying the said carbon underground which increases the carbon footprint of your area.

Let me suggest 3 alternative means to braai:

Communal braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel it is imperative that BIP considers some health and safety guidelines for communal or mass braaing. If we fail in this, we may well compromise our worldwide Braai Improvement Process (BIP) movement. I would like to offer the following example of a recent communal braai that I attended.

I was required to attend a parent’s campout night at a local school by my five year old daughter and my wife. Albeit reluctant, I agreed to this relentless pressure. I arrived at Hollow School with my new tent in tow and proceeded to try and erect it in a howling South-Easter gale.

Confluence of braaing and football

Dear braaibed colleagues,

Amidst the turmoil and exhaustion at the end of last year, I somewhat exuberantly announced that the next BIP newsletter would focus on the confluence of braaing and football. Whereas I have to admit that my knowledge of football is not significant, I feel that BIP in the African World Cup year has to say something about this.

Simply put, braaing is the ultimate description of life as we know it. From the evolution of humanity, we progressed to cooking food on fires, whereas soccer appears to have arisen as a game in the 15th century odd involving two villages trying to carry/kick a pig's bladder to each other's village. It is now accepted fact that after the respective village won and all the dead and maimed were removed from the 'field', they braaied the pig's bladder, although oral history records on this are surprisingly short on detail as to how it was braaied.