BiP Worldwide Tour

Dear Dreb

I am extremely concerned that world-wide braaing is on the decline, partly due to nanny state concerns about the hygienic aspects of braaing and mainly because we’re all in a global recession. This could potentially affect our Braai Improvement Process (BIP) income and our only plan for luxury retirement. I feel we need to launch an international braai tour sponsored by British American Tobacco (BAT) who is not averse to smoke.

Most companies require a business plan but if we could provide a demo of our upcoming world tour, funding from BAT will be a pushover. I feel this tour should have maximum appeal to your average braai person rather than portraying braaing as an elite sport. I propose the following low key approach.

• Scene 1: Panoramic backdrop of small Cape fishing village showing mountain and sea. African drum-rolls that crescendo in pace. Dreb and Shayfish enter stage shrouded in cloaks. Fireworks erupt and the hidden braai erupts into flame. Dreb and Shayfish drop their cloaks and launch into Zulu/Nguni dancing wearing traditional African zebra skins (black and white on the same skin show our commitment to non-racialism). We may need doubles here, as my Achilles heel is not as strong as it was. 

• Break: We need this so that the fire is ready for braaing 

• Scene 2: Freshly Ground provide us with a World Braai Cup song as we re-enter the stage. Backdrop shows Dreb catching a yellowtail fish with bare hands at an undisclosed location somewhere in Cape Town. (I think we may want to leave the gutting part out of the visuals). Women actors ululate while carrying dead yellowtail fish to Dreb and Shayfish. Dreb and Shayfish set the braai grid above the coals in much the same way as Ernie Els looks when he’s about to putt a golf ball – it’s all about crouching. Lighting changes – glistening sweat rolls off Dreb and Shayfish who peel the zebra skin off their shoulders to form an elaborate loin cloth. Camera pans in and records the hushed conversation prior to flipping the fish. From Shayfish’s left, a menacing snake rears up. Single handedly, Shayfish wrestles the boerewors sausage and expertly rolls it up before placing on the braai. A praise singer enters as the meal is cooked. More praise singers arrive and carry Dreb and Shayfish off stage with the food. 

• Scene 3: Dreb and Shayfish enter wearing Levis and lumberjack shirts (this will appeal to many British and Americans who tend to barbecue). At the table adoring family and friends await the braai. Dreb and Shayfish dress the salad and potatoes (in order to show that real men can actually cook vegetables) and place these on the table. To the sound of Peter Stuyvesant and Camel theme tunes (we must remember our sponsors) family and friends are pictured eating braaied fish and boerewors across the world e.g. the Alps, Grand Canyon, Nababeep etc. We can use Cape Town for most of these scenes, as all film-makers do. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A man’s way to love his family. 

• Scene 4: Dunhill and Lexington theme tunes play softly. A woman enters in dungarees and starts splitting wood with a double edged axe. She adds the split wood to the coals and breathes life into the fire. She then braais prawns (most countries braai this). Family and friends surround her and she serves the prawns in delicate tissue holders. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A women’s way to love her family. 

• Finale: African drum rolls. Lightning and thunder reverberate across the panoramic drop. Each lightening flash shows Dreb and Shayfish in hectic braai mode e.g. muscles taut as five meats are turned etc. Sunshine breaks through – Dreb and Shayfish laugh triumphantly against the backdrop of a spit braai. The shadows lengthen – Dreb and Shayfish being hugged by gorgeous people, braai in the background. A small child, impeccably dressed, brings out a white handkerchief and wipes Dreb’s brow.  Freshly Ground re-enters and sing songs that evoke tears. In the sunset, the message appears – Welcome to Africa – the home of humanity – the home of fire – Braai, brothers and sisters, Braai. Join BIP – change your life and braai for humanity. 

As you can see, this approach has not been tightly formulated and I would welcome your input on BIP’s returns on investment as an international movement.

Yours in BIP

Shayfish
Quasi-South Region