Dear Driedfish,
I feel a strong need to reflect on my recent experience of vegetarian braaing, which has threatened to scar me for life. I have long been suspicious of vegetarian braaing, as I normally have very little in common with vegetarians. Most of my popular braai topics such as the merits of rare steak or lightly marinated lamb chops somewhat fall flat in my braai discussions with vegetarians.
I feel a strong need to reflect on my recent experience of vegetarian braaing, which has threatened to scar me for life. I have long been suspicious of vegetarian braaing, as I normally have very little in common with vegetarians. Most of my popular braai topics such as the merits of rare steak or lightly marinated lamb chops somewhat fall flat in my braai discussions with vegetarians.
Be that as it may, some of my best friends are quasi-vegetarians. Knowing that I have yet to attain veggie braaimeester status I thought it would be a very good idea to be ultimately prepared for this braai. My friend had reluctantly agree to try chicken so long as it didn’t look or taste like chicken. I therefore prepared a marinade for ‘chicken tikka tikka’ – the usual yoghurt, turmeric, garlic, roasted sesame seeds number. After the lemon doused chicken pieces were threaded onto bamboo sticks and submerged in luminescent yellow marinade for a few hours, there was very little to indicate that this was a chicken dish. I then marinated a few lamb chops in garlic, rosemary and olive oil just in case the vegetarian side of things proved inedible.
My piece de resistance however was taken from a Frenchie barbecue recipe for vegetarian sausages. This involved...
This involved mashing cannellini beans, adding softly fried red pepper, onion and mushrooms and mixing this with egg, grated cheese and fresh breadcrumbs. The aim was to roll this mixture by hand into sausage shapes and then roll the sausage in seasoned flour. I found my sausage mixture to be extremely sticky and the net result was that I produced some extraordinarily phallic shaped sausages. I was not concerned however as I thought the flour would soak up any moisture. Having placed the flour dusted sausages in the fridge to settle for an hour, I then roasted whole aubergines (egg plant) and made a dip starter for this momentous event. Aubergine starters are distinctly over-rated and look disgusting.
Having worked for a good few hours on this braai preparation, I thought I should take a break and hydrate myself with a delectable white wine that I thought would go well with a cooked vegetable braai. My friends arrived just as the well-chosen wine was finished. After some delightful banter and ooohs and aahs at the prospect of delicately misshapen veg sausages I lit the fire. Reverting to my formal braaimeester mode, I cooked the meat first and then ostentatiously scraped the braai grid with a half onion. I then oiled a hinged braai grid and carefully lowered my veggie sausages into the grid. After gingerly fastening the top of the grid I placed the sausages over the coals and oiled them (as per Frenchie recipe instruction).
It was at this moment that events began to slip from my control. I could not help but notice that my beautiful phallic sausages had lost their erect status and were slowly merging into each other. I quickly turned the grid to see if the cooked side had preserved their shapes. This was in vain as the merging process now meant I had an entire layer of bean mush that was in fact stuck to my braai grid. As is usual in tense situations I ordered more hydration. While people scurried to obey my barked orders, I was left alone to try and gently prise the browned mush from one side of the braai grid. However, I also realised that by now the other side was beautifully browned and stuck. I therefore removed most of the hinged grid off the fire and expertly balanced the grid on one knee while lifting the hinged side. I remained convinced that the following events were as a direct result of someone distracting me.
My piece de resistance however was taken from a Frenchie barbecue recipe for vegetarian sausages. This involved...
This involved mashing cannellini beans, adding softly fried red pepper, onion and mushrooms and mixing this with egg, grated cheese and fresh breadcrumbs. The aim was to roll this mixture by hand into sausage shapes and then roll the sausage in seasoned flour. I found my sausage mixture to be extremely sticky and the net result was that I produced some extraordinarily phallic shaped sausages. I was not concerned however as I thought the flour would soak up any moisture. Having placed the flour dusted sausages in the fridge to settle for an hour, I then roasted whole aubergines (egg plant) and made a dip starter for this momentous event. Aubergine starters are distinctly over-rated and look disgusting.
Having worked for a good few hours on this braai preparation, I thought I should take a break and hydrate myself with a delectable white wine that I thought would go well with a cooked vegetable braai. My friends arrived just as the well-chosen wine was finished. After some delightful banter and ooohs and aahs at the prospect of delicately misshapen veg sausages I lit the fire. Reverting to my formal braaimeester mode, I cooked the meat first and then ostentatiously scraped the braai grid with a half onion. I then oiled a hinged braai grid and carefully lowered my veggie sausages into the grid. After gingerly fastening the top of the grid I placed the sausages over the coals and oiled them (as per Frenchie recipe instruction).
It was at this moment that events began to slip from my control. I could not help but notice that my beautiful phallic sausages had lost their erect status and were slowly merging into each other. I quickly turned the grid to see if the cooked side had preserved their shapes. This was in vain as the merging process now meant I had an entire layer of bean mush that was in fact stuck to my braai grid. As is usual in tense situations I ordered more hydration. While people scurried to obey my barked orders, I was left alone to try and gently prise the browned mush from one side of the braai grid. However, I also realised that by now the other side was beautifully browned and stuck. I therefore removed most of the hinged grid off the fire and expertly balanced the grid on one knee while lifting the hinged side. I remained convinced that the following events were as a direct result of someone distracting me.
It was only long after the vegetarian friends had left that I realised my recession into post-traumatic stress disorder. What would happen Driedfish if the browned mush had landed on my perfectly tanned legs? I could have been scarred for life. I cannot even countenance the thought of flicking burning coals off my body. I do feel that BIP members should be warned against the dangers of vegetarian braaing, as this seems akin to buying the cheapest boerewors (meat sausage for our international members),throwing it onto a flaming fire and then turning it with bare hands. I still feel traumatized.
I would also appreciate your delicate advice on ways in which we can put this message across so that no-one realises that I was actually involved in this fracas.
Yours in meat only braais
Shayfish
BIP Quasi-South Region
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I may be out of line here, but i would just like to say that Shayfish must be the best braaier in the world, possibly the whole of Scarborogni too.
ReplyDeleteNo braaing for a while guys. What goes on?
ReplyDelete