I
hope you are well and taking advantage of the clement weather to
further improve your braaing skills. This is not the purpose of my
communication to you however. I fear this may be one of last letters to
you as the co-founder of BIP as I have discovered an inconvenient truth
that threatens my entire identity as a braaimeester.
As you are aware, I have over the years engaged in robust debate as to
whether the Weber is a legitimate form of braaing. As you will have also
noted, my position has always been that of diehard support for the
Weber as an ultimate braaing machine. I can no longer hold to this
belief and hereby declare myself a fraudulent braaimeester. This is
deeply embarrassing. I have not previously had the courage to publicly
out myself as a fraudster, but have decided against my own better
judgement that this is the only ethical path to take.
Over
a month ago, we decided to give our oven a vigorous clean. After a few
hours and several changes of clothes, we were immensely impressed with
the sparkling state of our rejuvenated oven. I couldn’t wait for supper
time and gleefully switched the oven on to 220 degrees Celsius, which
promptly flicked the entire house into darkness. During the oven
cleaning it appears that we irrevocably wrecked the element. After
repeated disco displays of lights flashing on and off to the tune of our
oven switch, I realised that I had to cook the evening meal in the
Weber.
I
fired the Weber up and browned my onions and mushrooms - fortunately
the stove top still worked. I then made a white cheese sauce and boiled
macaroni. After layering the pasta and adding bacon to ensure that the
meal had at least one meat, I placed the casserole pot into the Weber in
between the divided coals. After half an hour I checked it and the
edges of the macaroni looked suitably braaied but otherwise it looked
exactly as if it had come out of the oven. It was only then that that
the thudding realization hit me that the Weber is an Oven. I nearly fell
over and had to hold on to my overweight Labrador for support while I
held back a sob at my own ultimate betrayal. Since then, I have used the
Weber nearly daily as an oven and have cooked pork chops in a baking
tray with sliced sweet potatoes, apples and potatoes smothered in a
garlic, rosemary, olive and lemon juice marinade; roast beef and
potatoes, and chicken pieces with courgettes and pineapple. I could go
on but at this stage I need to draw the threadbare strands of my
shattered feelings close around the iciness of my heart.
After
our oven was fixed, I walked outside and placed the Weber cover over my
oven machine. I realise that I have fooled myself and my friends for
years and can only beg for your forgiveness and mercy.
As
a gesture of my humility, I would now like to invite you to an oven
baked supper. The starters will be baked, rosemary-smoked aubergines
smashed into a pate with olive oil and garlic accompanied by home baked
bread. The main course will be macaroni and for dessert I will serve
oven baked biscuits gently smoked with thyme. This will give you an
opportunity to update me on your recent braaing feats and we can discuss
the international ramifications of my fraud for BIP.
My deepest apologies
Shayfish
(Formerly BIP-Deep South)
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