Children's Braai

Dear Dreb

It has been a while since we last communicated on our Braai Improvement Process. I have put this down to the fact that we’ve had a particularly wet spring and that there is only a limited amount of enthusiasm for reporting on braais that take place under a kettle lid or Weber.

I would however like to reflect with you on a braai I held recently for children. A friend of mine arrived with two pre-teens and a young adult aged 3. I fielded my wife, a 16 and 6 year old for this braai. I hadn’t seen this friend for a while and thought I should elevate this braai somewhat. I therefore bought a large steak fillet, fresh herbs, bacon, potatoes, butter and brandy. Armed with these fine ingredients, I was ready to proceed.

I started by testing the quality of the KWC 5 year old brandy by mixing this with coke. It tasted excellent and did not leave any oily taste in the mouth, even after the second brandy and coke. I lit the weber and used the indirect method. I then dried the fillet with toilet paper and pressed a mound of coarse black pepper all over it. This sat for 30 minutes while I peeled potatoes and par-boiled them. I also made a salad, which looks good although I personally don’t touch the stuff. After placing the oiled potatoes into the oven at 220 degrees I added the fresh herbs onto the fillet and then tied rashers of bacon around the fillet and herbs. This is no mean feat and I found myself using a lot of string. My guests arrived and we sipped on delicious red wine to allay the usual parent concerns that our children will: 

  (a) be nice to the guests, other children and,
  (b) not bother us.

The fillet took about 25 minutes to cook until it was rare and I then transferred this to the kitchen to rest. I whipped out the potatoes into a bowl and dumped the salad next to it on the table. The children were summonsed while I melted butter and poured this all over the now sliced steak. I then encountered a minor problem. In my gay abandon, I had no clean pots left. I therefore poured a generous amount of brandy into a microwave-proof bowl and heated it. I noticed that the bowl was in fact very hot as I carried it to the table. Being a seasoned BIP expert, this did not faze me. I lit the brandy in front of expectant and presumably adoring faces, which very nearly succeeded in burning my eyelashes off. Somewhat perturbed, I picked the bowl up to pour over the fillet steak but by now the heat of the bowl defied even a BIP professional. The burning brandy did land on the meat initially, but also over the table, chairs and plastic children’s cups. It was rather spectacular as it flowed lava-like down the table. For some inexplicable reason, the children evacuated their seats, which I ascribed to poor parental training. I relit the brandy in the steak platter to ensure it was all burned off which duly reignited.

It was here that calamity struck. As I cooled my singed hands in the kitchen under running water, I expectantly awaited suitable applause and opprobrium for my braaing feat. Instead there was silence. Then a question came from the pre-teen – “What does brandy taste like and is there brandy on my steak?” My response was to splutter in my wine and note in a stern voice that all of the brandy had burned off even though I could not help but notice that the pieces of steak did appear to be floating in the platter. This response did not seem to appease pre-teens who both stopped eating immediately. The 3 year old announced he did not eat meat. Thankfully my six year old daughter did not seem to understand the question and carried on eating sublimely unaware of any crisis. I then caught the 16 year old out of the corner of my eye walking to the kitchen to drain the ‘sauce’ off her plate. I ended up cutting little cubes out of the centre of each piece of fillet steak and offering these to the pre-teens only to be informed they were full. My friend and wife valiantly assured me it was a superb meal albeit that they also felt it their duty to inform me that there did appear to be a lot of brandy in the meal.

My dog mysteriously refused to lick the steak platter clean the next morning.

I spent some time reflecting on this BIP masterpiece braai. Being open-minded, I felt I should be open to criticism, even if it came from pre-teens and these are my open reflections: 

• Fillet steak is wasted on young people. 
• Always use a handled saucepan to pour any boiling brandy over meat. It really does avoid embarrassment. 
• Always be prepared for children’s braais with appropriate parental advice. I really missed a trick by not responding with “Someday you’ll thank us adults for introducing you to Epicurean foibles” or some other infallible comment. 
• Never braai for children. They’re very happy with hot dogs and fish fingers, which leaves BIP professionals space for creative cooking. 

I’d appreciate your thoughts on these reflections as I feel some of these should even be considered for inclusion in our BIP Constitution.

Yours as ever in BIP

Shayfish
BIP Quasi-South Region

BiP Worldwide Tour

Dear Dreb

I am extremely concerned that world-wide braaing is on the decline, partly due to nanny state concerns about the hygienic aspects of braaing and mainly because we’re all in a global recession. This could potentially affect our Braai Improvement Process (BIP) income and our only plan for luxury retirement. I feel we need to launch an international braai tour sponsored by British American Tobacco (BAT) who is not averse to smoke.

Most companies require a business plan but if we could provide a demo of our upcoming world tour, funding from BAT will be a pushover. I feel this tour should have maximum appeal to your average braai person rather than portraying braaing as an elite sport. I propose the following low key approach.

• Scene 1: Panoramic backdrop of small Cape fishing village showing mountain and sea. African drum-rolls that crescendo in pace. Dreb and Shayfish enter stage shrouded in cloaks. Fireworks erupt and the hidden braai erupts into flame. Dreb and Shayfish drop their cloaks and launch into Zulu/Nguni dancing wearing traditional African zebra skins (black and white on the same skin show our commitment to non-racialism). We may need doubles here, as my Achilles heel is not as strong as it was. 

• Break: We need this so that the fire is ready for braaing 

• Scene 2: Freshly Ground provide us with a World Braai Cup song as we re-enter the stage. Backdrop shows Dreb catching a yellowtail fish with bare hands at an undisclosed location somewhere in Cape Town. (I think we may want to leave the gutting part out of the visuals). Women actors ululate while carrying dead yellowtail fish to Dreb and Shayfish. Dreb and Shayfish set the braai grid above the coals in much the same way as Ernie Els looks when he’s about to putt a golf ball – it’s all about crouching. Lighting changes – glistening sweat rolls off Dreb and Shayfish who peel the zebra skin off their shoulders to form an elaborate loin cloth. Camera pans in and records the hushed conversation prior to flipping the fish. From Shayfish’s left, a menacing snake rears up. Single handedly, Shayfish wrestles the boerewors sausage and expertly rolls it up before placing on the braai. A praise singer enters as the meal is cooked. More praise singers arrive and carry Dreb and Shayfish off stage with the food. 

• Scene 3: Dreb and Shayfish enter wearing Levis and lumberjack shirts (this will appeal to many British and Americans who tend to barbecue). At the table adoring family and friends await the braai. Dreb and Shayfish dress the salad and potatoes (in order to show that real men can actually cook vegetables) and place these on the table. To the sound of Peter Stuyvesant and Camel theme tunes (we must remember our sponsors) family and friends are pictured eating braaied fish and boerewors across the world e.g. the Alps, Grand Canyon, Nababeep etc. We can use Cape Town for most of these scenes, as all film-makers do. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A man’s way to love his family. 

• Scene 4: Dunhill and Lexington theme tunes play softly. A woman enters in dungarees and starts splitting wood with a double edged axe. She adds the split wood to the coals and breathes life into the fire. She then braais prawns (most countries braai this). Family and friends surround her and she serves the prawns in delicate tissue holders. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A women’s way to love her family. 

• Finale: African drum rolls. Lightning and thunder reverberate across the panoramic drop. Each lightening flash shows Dreb and Shayfish in hectic braai mode e.g. muscles taut as five meats are turned etc. Sunshine breaks through – Dreb and Shayfish laugh triumphantly against the backdrop of a spit braai. The shadows lengthen – Dreb and Shayfish being hugged by gorgeous people, braai in the background. A small child, impeccably dressed, brings out a white handkerchief and wipes Dreb’s brow.  Freshly Ground re-enters and sing songs that evoke tears. In the sunset, the message appears – Welcome to Africa – the home of humanity – the home of fire – Braai, brothers and sisters, Braai. Join BIP – change your life and braai for humanity. 

As you can see, this approach has not been tightly formulated and I would welcome your input on BIP’s returns on investment as an international movement.

Yours in BIP

Shayfish
Quasi-South Region