Festive Pt 2: Braaied Turkey

BIP Review of Braaied Christmas Turkey

BIP leadership were recently invited to a preview of turkey braaing by a leading BIP delegate. We have used the pseudonym Semen to describe the delegate in order to protect his identity. We trust that the following review will provoke deep introspection amongst our BIP fraternity and sorority respectively.

On our arrival, we were somewhat perturbed that Semen had purchased a deboned turkey with pre-prepared stuffing and immediately challenged his BIP credentials. If you can't make your own stuffing, can you be called a braaimeester? As for deboning the turkey, why not just buy a large polony and hollow it out? However, his excellent wine (albeit red) soothed our ruffled sensibilities and with the idyllic day looming ahead, we permitted him to proceed.

Like most braaimeesters, he had a byvuur (side fire in English). However, we'd like to query the use of briquettes in a weber. For a start, webers are not African. Secondly, briquettes smell disgusting and they're more expensive than charcoal or alien wood. As for paraffin firelighters, why not just douse the whole braai with petrol? We said nothing about this and continue to observe intensely while ordering another bottle of red wine. Semen placed his home-made aluminium tray in between the indirect fire and placed his turkey carefully onto the upper grid. It was only when he added branches of rosemary to the briquettes that we realised Semen's major error - he had simply forgot to pin the wings to the body of the turkey with toothpicks. They splayed threatenly over the fire and we could already see that the extremities were singed. We made an ostentatious note of this (without showing him) and ordered more wine.

For some inexplicable reason, BIP leadership's memory of the subsequent events were a little hazy - we think the intense concentration required for the review may have taxed us somewhat. Be that as it may, all of us clearly remembered the final lifting of the weber lid. The haggis-like creation was beautifully tanned and blackened, but the stuffing had exuded like molten larva from a volcano. There is a reason why birds are generally cooked with their bones in - it holds the stuffing in place. Trying hard not to notice that Semen rather looked like a turkey with red and purples flames of embarrassment, we ordered brandies and coke.

To Semen's credit, the turkey cut as easily as slicing polony. We did feel that the duck, chicken and bread stuffing was a little OTT and decidedly overcooked seeing as it had splurged over direct coals. As with all reviewers, we made polite clucking sounds and tried to smile as we ate. We then sent Semen off to make us Irish Coffees so that we could caucus. It was unanimously agreed that however well cooked the turkey is, turkey does not achieve the BIP Braai Standard. The problem with turkey is that it actually tastes of turkey, not to mention that duck and turkey just don't go with each other.

On Semen's return, we respectfully murmured that he think about braaing falafel for the real Christmas lunch.

Festive Season Part 3: Ystervark (Porcupine) Braaied Alaska
Festive Season Part 2: Braaied Turkey
Festive Season Part 1: Festive Cocktails

Yours in BIP,
Shayfish