BiP and the Global Recession

I feel that our international Braai Improvement Process (BIP) needs to make a statement in the face of a global economic recession. As a leading social movement, BIP needs to demonstrate compassion and stand with millions of fellow braai/barbecue members who are now unemployed.

BIP would like to offer our readership two braai responses that will alleviate the tragedy of being made redundant years before this was necessary. As always, I’d appreciate your insights on ways that BIP can continue to improve the lives of all regardless of race, creed or gender.

The reconciliation and retribution braai

BIP suggests that you invite your boss and his/her family to your house after you have been retrenched or fired. The invitation should be worded in the following way:

I have recently been thinking about the times we’ve spent together over the years at work. Although I was surprised and somewhat upset by the fact that I was the one to be retrenched, I would like to apologise for my reactions and for holding you personally responsible at the time. I now realise that it was not your fault I was retrenched and that banks and other corporate financial institutions focused on capitalist greed are the real problem.

I would like to reconcile with you and your family and therefore invite you to a braai/barbecue at my house on the following Saturday. Please do not bring anything with you, as I would like to apologise in person and treat you to a family feast as a part of my apology.

Yours in reconciliation……”

The secret to this braai is to prepare food that looks identical. Take two chickens and prepare the following stuffing:

• Chicken 1. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of dark chocolate broken into pieces, 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.
• Chicken 2. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of Brooklax (or any other chocolate flavoured stomach relaxant), 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.

Braai both chickens in a weber using a divided fire but make very sure that you know which chicken is stuffed with Brooklax. Melt 100g of chocolate mixed with a teaspoon of cayenne pepper and swirl this over both chickens. This will disguise any strange smells emanating from the Brooklax chicken. Put each chicken on a separate platter. Insist on serving your ex-employer’s family first. Remove the brooklax chicken platter with a flourish and bring out the chocolate-stuffed chicken for your own family.

It is very important that you keep your cool at a braai like this. I would offer a ‘sincere apology’ at the beginning of the meal and then toast your ex-employer’s family. I would then explain that I spared no expense for this meal and hope they like it. This should make them feel that they have to eat your food even though chocolate-flavoured chicken is disgusting. You have one hour before the Brooklax will take effect after they’ve eaten it. This means you need to serve dessert immediately after the chicken and then pointedly offer tea or coffee. If they fail to show any signs of leaving, explain to them that your family is late for a training session at AMWAY that will change their lives and economic fortunes.

We do know that this choice of braai will only provide temporary belief as you will still remain unemployed, but we feel it is an important part of your healing process and a reminder that a sense of humour gets you through most things.

The next BIP strategy will focus on how you can find a solution to unemployment through using your very own braai/barbecue equipment.

The Income Generation Braai

Many people are tempted to become depressed when they have no job. Depression is not going to help you make money. BIP would like to share a strategy with you that is guaranteed to make money for you. All you need to have is braai equipment, even if you just borrow this from a neighbour.

Step 1 - Venue

1. Approach your local school or sports ground and tell them you would like to raise funds for charity.
2. Act outraged if they try and charge you for use of the school field.

Step 2 - The guests

1. Write out fliers or if you have a Blackberry, send BBMs through the airwaves announcing a braai competition at the local school/sports ground.
2. On the invitation, ask people to bring their own braai and braai food for the competition. Each entrant will also need to pay US $ 50 (R 400) to braai at the local school/sports field and that these funds will be given to unemployed people. Note that people will not be allowed to bring alcohol onto the premises and announce that a cash bar will be established on site.

Step 3 - The braai

1. Solicit competition prizes for free from large corporate companies. If you have no success here, speak to the wealthier members of your family and ask them to park their cars on ramps around the school field. Make sure that your family members ‘win’ their cars back as family members can be dangerous if they’re upset.
2. Place a large desk in the middle of the field and announce members of your family as impartial judges of the braai competition. Repeat that the proceeds of this braai competition will go to the unemployed.
3. Send around a team of ‘officials’ with platters who will instruct the competitors to place the braaied meat on the platters for judging.
4. Announce disguised members of your family as winners of the braai competition and hand them back their car keys.
5. Send off all braaied meat submitted for judging purposes with a family member to your house and instruct him/her to place the meat in your deep freeze. Cooked meat freezes very well.
6. Announce the amount of money that will be given to unemployed people as a result of the braai competition entrance fees and thank everyone for supporting such a good cause.

The income generation braai allows you to have genuine fun while raising much needed funds for your unemployed family and free food. You will be surrounded by fellow braai members who are very impressed with your generosity to the unemployed.

The income generation braai theme can be repeated often but we would suggest that you may wish to change your geographic area for each competition. It may also help you to have an official stamp of approval for your braai competitions and BIP will happily provide our international approval stamp for only US $ 5000.

Yours in braaing splendour,

Shayfish

BIP Founding member

Quasi-South Region

Children's Braai

Dear Dreb

It has been a while since we last communicated on our Braai Improvement Process. I have put this down to the fact that we’ve had a particularly wet spring and that there is only a limited amount of enthusiasm for reporting on braais that take place under a kettle lid or Weber.

I would however like to reflect with you on a braai I held recently for children. A friend of mine arrived with two pre-teens and a young adult aged 3. I fielded my wife, a 16 and 6 year old for this braai. I hadn’t seen this friend for a while and thought I should elevate this braai somewhat. I therefore bought a large steak fillet, fresh herbs, bacon, potatoes, butter and brandy. Armed with these fine ingredients, I was ready to proceed.

I started by testing the quality of the KWC 5 year old brandy by mixing this with coke. It tasted excellent and did not leave any oily taste in the mouth, even after the second brandy and coke. I lit the weber and used the indirect method. I then dried the fillet with toilet paper and pressed a mound of coarse black pepper all over it. This sat for 30 minutes while I peeled potatoes and par-boiled them. I also made a salad, which looks good although I personally don’t touch the stuff. After placing the oiled potatoes into the oven at 220 degrees I added the fresh herbs onto the fillet and then tied rashers of bacon around the fillet and herbs. This is no mean feat and I found myself using a lot of string. My guests arrived and we sipped on delicious red wine to allay the usual parent concerns that our children will: 

  (a) be nice to the guests, other children and,
  (b) not bother us.

The fillet took about 25 minutes to cook until it was rare and I then transferred this to the kitchen to rest. I whipped out the potatoes into a bowl and dumped the salad next to it on the table. The children were summonsed while I melted butter and poured this all over the now sliced steak. I then encountered a minor problem. In my gay abandon, I had no clean pots left. I therefore poured a generous amount of brandy into a microwave-proof bowl and heated it. I noticed that the bowl was in fact very hot as I carried it to the table. Being a seasoned BIP expert, this did not faze me. I lit the brandy in front of expectant and presumably adoring faces, which very nearly succeeded in burning my eyelashes off. Somewhat perturbed, I picked the bowl up to pour over the fillet steak but by now the heat of the bowl defied even a BIP professional. The burning brandy did land on the meat initially, but also over the table, chairs and plastic children’s cups. It was rather spectacular as it flowed lava-like down the table. For some inexplicable reason, the children evacuated their seats, which I ascribed to poor parental training. I relit the brandy in the steak platter to ensure it was all burned off which duly reignited.

It was here that calamity struck. As I cooled my singed hands in the kitchen under running water, I expectantly awaited suitable applause and opprobrium for my braaing feat. Instead there was silence. Then a question came from the pre-teen – “What does brandy taste like and is there brandy on my steak?” My response was to splutter in my wine and note in a stern voice that all of the brandy had burned off even though I could not help but notice that the pieces of steak did appear to be floating in the platter. This response did not seem to appease pre-teens who both stopped eating immediately. The 3 year old announced he did not eat meat. Thankfully my six year old daughter did not seem to understand the question and carried on eating sublimely unaware of any crisis. I then caught the 16 year old out of the corner of my eye walking to the kitchen to drain the ‘sauce’ off her plate. I ended up cutting little cubes out of the centre of each piece of fillet steak and offering these to the pre-teens only to be informed they were full. My friend and wife valiantly assured me it was a superb meal albeit that they also felt it their duty to inform me that there did appear to be a lot of brandy in the meal.

My dog mysteriously refused to lick the steak platter clean the next morning.

I spent some time reflecting on this BIP masterpiece braai. Being open-minded, I felt I should be open to criticism, even if it came from pre-teens and these are my open reflections: 

• Fillet steak is wasted on young people. 
• Always use a handled saucepan to pour any boiling brandy over meat. It really does avoid embarrassment. 
• Always be prepared for children’s braais with appropriate parental advice. I really missed a trick by not responding with “Someday you’ll thank us adults for introducing you to Epicurean foibles” or some other infallible comment. 
• Never braai for children. They’re very happy with hot dogs and fish fingers, which leaves BIP professionals space for creative cooking. 

I’d appreciate your thoughts on these reflections as I feel some of these should even be considered for inclusion in our BIP Constitution.

Yours as ever in BIP

Shayfish
BIP Quasi-South Region