Suburban braai

Dear Dreb 

I have long suspected that people who live in suburbs cannot be part of our Braai Improvement Process (BIP) as they are likely to use their gas oven hobs and call this a braai. However I was pleasantly surprised when recently invited to a suburban braai. This suburb is close to Cape Town’s rugby stadium.  I spent an inordinate amount of time arguing with police that I was due to attend a BIP intervention and should therefore be allowed to drive to my BIP venue that just happened to be surrounded by thousands of walking rugby supporters.

As I unpacked my car I heard the roar of the crowd and bowed, but for some strange reason the roaring crowd seemed unaware that BIP leadership had arrived. They all just carried on roaring something about a storm and bulls. With a regal wave I entered the suburban BIP venue. I carefully unpacked my cooler box and un-wrapped my braai grid. My host seemed surprised that I had brought my own double-hinged braai grid and I did not have the heart to tell him I had no confidence that suburban people even owned a braai. To my host’s credit, he had a large braai machine on wheels and had lit a fire. He explained that he was using oak firewood as he was in the process of cutting down trees. All I saw were two enormous oak branches hanging over the braai. I casually oiled my yellowtail and added salt and pepper to hide my astonishment at the scale of this fire.

As we delicately sipped our drinks, I compared braai notes with the host. He announced his intention to cook a mutton rib first and suggested we then cook the chicken kebabs and the yellowtail simultaneously. I surreptiously choked on my drink as I could not believe that suburban people had any sense of braai process, but held off offering my host admission to BIP. I felt he needed to prove that he could actually braai first. At this stage, one of the flaming oak branches smashed to the floor sending live coals and sparks everywhere. My wife leapt backwards and almost fell into the house drain behind her but recovered in time. My host then picked up the flaming log with bare hands and deposited it back into the braai. I began to develop a grudging sense of respect, which I hid by quaffing more alcohol.

A vegetarian guest attempted to join the BIP discussion, but it emerged that she had bought a cooked chicken for her children and a salad to this braai. I ignored her, but was very satisfied to note that some suburbanites really have no clue about the art of braaing.

My host then wrestled oak branches to the side of the braai and started braaing. The sweat dripped down his face into his beard, which glistened against the light of the patio. Using bare fists, he bashed the braai grid down to an appropriate height. He did manage to burn the fat side of the mutton rib, but this was the only fault I could find with his braaing technique. I was somewhat nervous when it came to sharing the braai. However, there were sufficient coals for my yellowtail even though I had to use sleight of hand to shovel offending chicken kebabs away from my cooking zone.

I have to secretly admit that I was very impressed with this braai. I felt the host had produced an authentic South Africa braai of chicken, mutton and yellowtail with a side salad that any BIP devotee would have relished. I did have to chew on the mutton for a long time before I dared swallow, but put this down to male machismo and didn’t let it interfere with my judgement.     

As my wife drove me home, I recalled the delicate sensation of red wine complimenting the mutton fat and issued a satisfied burp. I am prepared to concede that BIP can happen in suburbia, but couldn’t dispel the image that my host would be equally at home braaing in a remote rural cave. 

Yours in BIP

Shayfish

Quasi Deep South Region

What is a South African braai?

Dear Drebster

It has been a while since we last communicated on the Braai Improvement Process (BIP). I have recently had some space to ponder and wonder if BIP can be truly classified as a South African based international organisation. As you may have noticed our BIP blog is now receiving communication from foreigners commenting on the South African braai experience. What made me sit up was that this communication was well informed and beautifully written.

I have therefore decided to take a brutal look at BIP and reflect on whether we are in fact the leading authority on South African braais. In this past week, I only managed to braai on four of the days. I was tempted to blame the weather for this, but foreign guests reading this may accuse of me being a wimp. Having then consciously chosen to braai on 4 weekdays, my research question stands – What is a South African braai?

On Day 1, I chose to braai steak, boerewors (spiced sausage) and a spatchcock (splayed) chicken. I baked potatoes and butternut as a side dish for the meat. Of these ingredients, butternut and boerewors could be described as South African foods, but even these are well known internationally. I cooked the chicken in my Weber using firelighters (paraffin) and briquettes, which any European or American could have done. I also used firelighters and Namibian hardwood (Kameldoring) for the steak and boerewors. I should have used my local Cape Times newspaper to start the fire.

On Day 2, I braaied pork ribs and baked a try of roast vegetables. At this stage, I had run out of firelighters and ended up chopping wood with a hand axe and using newspaper. I was very impressed with this and felt decidedly macho. Unfortunately no-one at home was witness to this affirmation of my masculinity. Pork ribs cannot be described as South African.

On Day 3, I decided to cook a waterblommetjie (water lilies) bredie in my potjie (three legged iron pot). As usual I used firelighters and briquettes. For the meat, I used Namibian mutton and cooked this with rosemary, garlic, onions, chicken stock and white wine. The white wine was South African. After 2 hours, I added the South African waterblommetjies, lemon rind and lemon juice. I then made Basmati rice. Basmati rice is genetically modified and non-South African. I chose to ignore the faint grittiness of the waterblommetjies and braved my family’s derisive comments that I had not soaked the blommetjies in salt water for long enough.

On Day 4, I marinated a 2.5 kg leg of lamb with rosemary, garlic, South African Old Brown sherry and a pinch of Starbucks coffee. The coffee eradicates any metallic taste of the sherry. I then used a divided fire in my Weber to roast this for 2 hours. I then opened two tubs of humus, made tzatziki, and guacamole (mashed avocados). I served this with heated pita breads. At least the sherry was South African.

It causes me great sadness to admit that not one of these braais could be described as South African, with the possible exception of the waterblommetjie bredie. As a founder member of BIP and a South African braaimeester, I have had to think very carefully about my response to this crisis.

I would now like to propose the following definition of the South African braai, which I feel should be part of the BIP Constitution.

Any braai that uses one locally produced South African ingredient can be called a South African braai. The term ‘ingredient’ also applies to the entire braai (braai structure, wood, food, braai drinks, etc.).

BIP recognises that all of humanity originates from Africa and as a part of Africa we can therefore claim the right to braai any food subsequently developed by any person or nation and call it South African.

We acknowledge that we are a cross-cultural country and BIP recognises that South Africa is the ultimate braai nation with unique approaches not found elsewhere in the world. We applaud best South African braai practices, such as cooking ‘smileys’ (lamb jawbone) with an acetylene torch.

I feel that the addition of this definition to our constitution will prevent us from any critique be it local or international and allow BIP to take its rightful place as the leading visionary for South African braais within a globalised world.

Sincerely

Shayfish
Quasi-Deep South Region

World Cup braaing

Dear Dewman

I would like to show deep reverence for your principled stand against observing any of the FIFA World Cup games, which is to be applauded. Unfortunately, I cannot make the same claim and acknowledge that my passion for this World Cup could be equated to that of a seasoned harlot. This has allowed me to gain some insight into ways that people braai in the middle of the World Cup.

Over 98% of all commercial food sold at the World Cup uses gas burners that cannot be equated to a braai. It does not even come close. Upon inspection of some of these facilities at the Cape Town Fan Walk, the ‘braai grids’ above the gas burner were caked in fat and carbon. Clearly no-one had informed them of the BIP rule to burn off your braai grids before braaing. Gas burners also disobey the cardinal braai rule of lighting a fire and then waiting for the coals to be ready, which allows humanity to engage in frivolous discourse on the meaning of life.

Boerewors was minimally existent and German sausages formed an important part of most menus. I only discovered why this was so towards the end of the World Cup. Boerewors takes on average 80% longer to cook than German sausages do and rapid production lines are all important when 60 000 people are waiting for fast food.

Given this moral absence of braaing at the World Cup, I would like to offer the experiences of a real braai that I performed at during the World Cup. This braai was held for 9 adults and 4 children. As I did not know many of them very well, I bought the food the day before in an attempt to be as organised as possible. This included three boxes of frozen prawns, salads, ingredients for a veggie potjie and basmati rice. In the absence of any BIP advisors, my wife was consulted and I was sent out shopping again on the day of the braai to purchase two dead chickens and boerewors.

I fired up my braai and the Weber at 10h00. The day was extraordinarily windy and for some reason this affected my chickens. I have never witnessed a chicken simultaneously burned and raw at the same time. As a BIP professional this did not phase me – I merely made sure that all sides of the chicken were burnt and proudly informed my audience that Cajun chicken is the new black in braai ‘fashionista’ circles.

The prawns killed me. What point is there in defrosting a sea cockroach (many hours), then dousing it in marinade for four hours and finally braaing them, only to watch them shrivel up and constitute one bite? I need to make a critical admission here. My prawns originally hailed from India and try as I might I struggled to find the intestines of all these prawns. Don’t get me wrong, I love India and all Indian food, but I don’t trust their water. I therefore avoided cooking the prawns until they were translucent and made very sure that they were over-cooked just in case I spread typhoid across the Cape Town community.

As you are well aware, basmati rice was one of the first genetically modified products and it cannot be braaied. My veg potjie was the usual – vegetables topped with coconut cream and cashew nuts so as to disguise the taste of vegetables. I did not have the mental strength to cook the boerewors.

This meal was served at 14h30, ostensibly to accommodate a late-comer, but in reality I could not produce this braai any faster. Despite the platitudes received on this braai I was left with a profound feeling of discomfort and made a mental note to reflect on this braai in the spirit of a true BIP professional. My observations are as follows: 

• 15 hours of preparation and cooking time to prepare a meal is similar to English people having the time to watch five days of test cricket. 
• This entire braai could have been produced in any country and had no South African character. Cooking the boerewors would have helped. 
• Solo braaing for large numbers of people is over-rated, especially if the majority of them don’t drink alcohol and therefore politely sit inside instead of wildly cheering your progress at the fireplace. 
• Once the food is eaten, there just isn’t very much to talk about especially if you don’t really know the people you’ve invited. (We were saved however by World Cup game 56 which started at 16h00) 

In reflecting on these earth-shattering observations, I made the important realization that BIP professionals need to be on top of their game. As the BIP movement celebrates the World Cup, so too do we need to accommodate change. While braaing is a quintessential South African art form, it’s fine for BIP to adopt other foods and customs alien to South Africa. However, what the World Cup has taught me is that it’s also fine to braai German sausage for 2 minutes and serve with this with bread rolls and lettuce, especially if you don’t know the people very well. 

Yours as ever in BIP 

Shayfish

Quasi-South Region

The dangers of vegetarian braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel a strong need to reflect on my recent experience of vegetarian braaing, which has threatened to scar me for life. I have long been suspicious of vegetarian braaing, as I normally have very little in common with vegetarians. Most of my popular braai topics such as the merits of rare steak or lightly marinated lamb chops somewhat fall flat in my braai discussions with vegetarians.

Be that as it may, some of my best friends are quasi-vegetarians. Knowing that I have yet to attain veggie braaimeester status I thought it would be a very good idea to be ultimately prepared for this braai. My friend had reluctantly agree to try chicken so long as it didn’t look  or taste like chicken. I therefore prepared a marinade for ‘chicken tikka tikka’ – the usual yoghurt, turmeric, garlic, roasted sesame seeds number. After the lemon doused chicken pieces were threaded onto bamboo sticks and submerged in luminescent yellow marinade for a few hours, there was very little to indicate that this was a chicken dish.  I then marinated a few lamb chops in garlic, rosemary and olive oil just in case the vegetarian side of things proved inedible.

My piece de resistance however was taken from a Frenchie barbecue recipe for vegetarian sausages. This involved...

Braai the beloved country

Having freshly arrived back from a holiday in the Eastern Cape, which involved a significant number of braais, I feel compelled to inform BIP of the fact that radically different braai cultures exist within our beloved country. Whilst this is not necessarily a bad thing, I do feel that we need to include a guide to braaing food in an edible way within our BIP manual.

As the following BIP case studies involve people that we actually know, I have changed their names to protect their braaing prowess.

Marinades, etc etc

Dear Little Dreb

Thank you for renewing your subscription to the BIP Newsletter. In this edition you will find a range of tantalizing marinades, news of stupendous braais accross the globe and of course the usual regular columns, such as Dear Braaibee. In case you are unable to detach the 3D newsletter DVD complete with braai smells, an edited version of the newsletter appears below.

Letter from the Editor 
Greetings Fellow Braai people! I am very pleased to report on a research study recently completed by the University of Albania, which conclusively proves that human maturity is only reached if you are able to braai properly. The research goes on to show that most Albanians have not yet achieved maturity, even though many have obtained the lower barbecue competence. On a more spiritual note, the radiant luminescence of a braai at sunset taken at a mountain home in Scarborough is worth meditating on (page 3). Attitude and radiance are rare qualities of a meister braaier as they cannot be easily taught. So to all BIP devotees, I hope that 2008 is filled with the delicate aroma of the braai!

Marinades
For the fifth marinade, we are delighted that Egberta has decided to share her ancestral marinade recipe with us.

Rerere: Lost braaigrid

Dear braai meester

I thank you for your frank and open missive here. From your recount, I would classify your meal as a braai (particularly when juxtaposed with the rednecks version of a braai). I too feel that our braai identity is congealing and that we are on the threshold of a brave new world that may just do away with our day jobs.

In musing on your most recent braai experience, I realise that the braai genre appears to be quite thin on the non-meat aspects of braaing. My ex-brother-in-law (actually he lived in sin and never did get married) steadfastly refuses to use tinfoil, since aluminium has been positively linked with Altheimers disease. However, whenever I have compared notes with Waldorf devotees (who by the way know a lot about vegetables and not just salads with apples and nuts in them), they use tinfoil for just about everything.

Rere: Lost braaigrid

Dear Sidefish

Last night was a braai scheduled a week in advance following the late cancellation of an impromptu braai last week that was also cancelled. The person who was hosting the braai had been with flu and i the guest was scared of his germs and my families imune systems.

We had already puchased the meat: 3 marinatid pork sosaties, 4 lamb chops and so it came to be about 5 in the evening when it was proposed that making a fire was a "las" and that grilling the meat in the oven was the prefered method of preperation. I announced immediatly to my wife that this would need to be reported to BIP, and thus is this the content of this email message to you as a proud founding member of BIP.

She said that was Ok, but I was not so sure. some tense moments passed and then I gave in to the oven. whether to cook the meat on the pan or by placing on the grill thereby allowing the fat to drip through to the pan (which bends when it heats up so the fat can leak into the oven floor) - the grill won that debate.

The will to braai

Dear Ladel of Dreb

Following our exploration into the vortex of experiential braaing, I would like to offer the following reflection based on braaing practice. Last Friday, I prepared for the weekly BIP ritual. Being somewhat world weary, I bought the following braai items from Woolworths:

• 1 rump steak 
• 8 lamb chops 
• 1 roll of lamb sausage 
• 1 packet baby potatoes (with garlic butter added) 
• 1 tinfoil container filled with a range of sweet pepper, butternut and onion 
• 1 packet brown mushrooms and pre-mashed garlic 
• 1 camembert and 1 brie together with water crackers 
• 1 Malva pudding and fresh custard 
• 2 packets chocolate balls 
• 1 packet Woolworths briquettes and firelighters 

I lit the fire at roughly 18h00 and rebuffed my daughter's offer of help in making the braai. I sheepishly explained that it didn't need two people to light a firelighter and pour briquettes over the paraffin. As per BIP custom, I burned the grid off, but with glowing briquettes, it didn't really seem to burn off that well. At 18h45, I switched the stove on and placed microwaveable potatoes in a clay pot with the garlic butter into the oven. I added a tinfoil container of vegetables, soaked in olive oil. I then prepared the mushrooms by cutting them in half, adding a basil rocket pesto and garlic, adding them to tinfoil and folding the tinfoil packet tightly.