Children's Braai

Dear Dreb

It has been a while since we last communicated on our Braai Improvement Process. I have put this down to the fact that we’ve had a particularly wet spring and that there is only a limited amount of enthusiasm for reporting on braais that take place under a kettle lid or Weber.

I would however like to reflect with you on a braai I held recently for children. A friend of mine arrived with two pre-teens and a young adult aged 3. I fielded my wife, a 16 and 6 year old for this braai. I hadn’t seen this friend for a while and thought I should elevate this braai somewhat. I therefore bought a large steak fillet, fresh herbs, bacon, potatoes, butter and brandy. Armed with these fine ingredients, I was ready to proceed.

I started by testing the quality of the KWC 5 year old brandy by mixing this with coke. It tasted excellent and did not leave any oily taste in the mouth, even after the second brandy and coke. I lit the weber and used the indirect method. I then dried the fillet with toilet paper and pressed a mound of coarse black pepper all over it. This sat for 30 minutes while I peeled potatoes and par-boiled them. I also made a salad, which looks good although I personally don’t touch the stuff. After placing the oiled potatoes into the oven at 220 degrees I added the fresh herbs onto the fillet and then tied rashers of bacon around the fillet and herbs. This is no mean feat and I found myself using a lot of string. My guests arrived and we sipped on delicious red wine to allay the usual parent concerns that our children will: 

  (a) be nice to the guests, other children and,
  (b) not bother us.

The fillet took about 25 minutes to cook until it was rare and I then transferred this to the kitchen to rest. I whipped out the potatoes into a bowl and dumped the salad next to it on the table. The children were summonsed while I melted butter and poured this all over the now sliced steak. I then encountered a minor problem. In my gay abandon, I had no clean pots left. I therefore poured a generous amount of brandy into a microwave-proof bowl and heated it. I noticed that the bowl was in fact very hot as I carried it to the table. Being a seasoned BIP expert, this did not faze me. I lit the brandy in front of expectant and presumably adoring faces, which very nearly succeeded in burning my eyelashes off. Somewhat perturbed, I picked the bowl up to pour over the fillet steak but by now the heat of the bowl defied even a BIP professional. The burning brandy did land on the meat initially, but also over the table, chairs and plastic children’s cups. It was rather spectacular as it flowed lava-like down the table. For some inexplicable reason, the children evacuated their seats, which I ascribed to poor parental training. I relit the brandy in the steak platter to ensure it was all burned off which duly reignited.

It was here that calamity struck. As I cooled my singed hands in the kitchen under running water, I expectantly awaited suitable applause and opprobrium for my braaing feat. Instead there was silence. Then a question came from the pre-teen – “What does brandy taste like and is there brandy on my steak?” My response was to splutter in my wine and note in a stern voice that all of the brandy had burned off even though I could not help but notice that the pieces of steak did appear to be floating in the platter. This response did not seem to appease pre-teens who both stopped eating immediately. The 3 year old announced he did not eat meat. Thankfully my six year old daughter did not seem to understand the question and carried on eating sublimely unaware of any crisis. I then caught the 16 year old out of the corner of my eye walking to the kitchen to drain the ‘sauce’ off her plate. I ended up cutting little cubes out of the centre of each piece of fillet steak and offering these to the pre-teens only to be informed they were full. My friend and wife valiantly assured me it was a superb meal albeit that they also felt it their duty to inform me that there did appear to be a lot of brandy in the meal.

My dog mysteriously refused to lick the steak platter clean the next morning.

I spent some time reflecting on this BIP masterpiece braai. Being open-minded, I felt I should be open to criticism, even if it came from pre-teens and these are my open reflections: 

• Fillet steak is wasted on young people. 
• Always use a handled saucepan to pour any boiling brandy over meat. It really does avoid embarrassment. 
• Always be prepared for children’s braais with appropriate parental advice. I really missed a trick by not responding with “Someday you’ll thank us adults for introducing you to Epicurean foibles” or some other infallible comment. 
• Never braai for children. They’re very happy with hot dogs and fish fingers, which leaves BIP professionals space for creative cooking. 

I’d appreciate your thoughts on these reflections as I feel some of these should even be considered for inclusion in our BIP Constitution.

Yours as ever in BIP

Shayfish
BIP Quasi-South Region

World Cup braaing

Dear Dewman

I would like to show deep reverence for your principled stand against observing any of the FIFA World Cup games, which is to be applauded. Unfortunately, I cannot make the same claim and acknowledge that my passion for this World Cup could be equated to that of a seasoned harlot. This has allowed me to gain some insight into ways that people braai in the middle of the World Cup.

Over 98% of all commercial food sold at the World Cup uses gas burners that cannot be equated to a braai. It does not even come close. Upon inspection of some of these facilities at the Cape Town Fan Walk, the ‘braai grids’ above the gas burner were caked in fat and carbon. Clearly no-one had informed them of the BIP rule to burn off your braai grids before braaing. Gas burners also disobey the cardinal braai rule of lighting a fire and then waiting for the coals to be ready, which allows humanity to engage in frivolous discourse on the meaning of life.

Boerewors was minimally existent and German sausages formed an important part of most menus. I only discovered why this was so towards the end of the World Cup. Boerewors takes on average 80% longer to cook than German sausages do and rapid production lines are all important when 60 000 people are waiting for fast food.

Given this moral absence of braaing at the World Cup, I would like to offer the experiences of a real braai that I performed at during the World Cup. This braai was held for 9 adults and 4 children. As I did not know many of them very well, I bought the food the day before in an attempt to be as organised as possible. This included three boxes of frozen prawns, salads, ingredients for a veggie potjie and basmati rice. In the absence of any BIP advisors, my wife was consulted and I was sent out shopping again on the day of the braai to purchase two dead chickens and boerewors.

I fired up my braai and the Weber at 10h00. The day was extraordinarily windy and for some reason this affected my chickens. I have never witnessed a chicken simultaneously burned and raw at the same time. As a BIP professional this did not phase me – I merely made sure that all sides of the chicken were burnt and proudly informed my audience that Cajun chicken is the new black in braai ‘fashionista’ circles.

The prawns killed me. What point is there in defrosting a sea cockroach (many hours), then dousing it in marinade for four hours and finally braaing them, only to watch them shrivel up and constitute one bite? I need to make a critical admission here. My prawns originally hailed from India and try as I might I struggled to find the intestines of all these prawns. Don’t get me wrong, I love India and all Indian food, but I don’t trust their water. I therefore avoided cooking the prawns until they were translucent and made very sure that they were over-cooked just in case I spread typhoid across the Cape Town community.

As you are well aware, basmati rice was one of the first genetically modified products and it cannot be braaied. My veg potjie was the usual – vegetables topped with coconut cream and cashew nuts so as to disguise the taste of vegetables. I did not have the mental strength to cook the boerewors.

This meal was served at 14h30, ostensibly to accommodate a late-comer, but in reality I could not produce this braai any faster. Despite the platitudes received on this braai I was left with a profound feeling of discomfort and made a mental note to reflect on this braai in the spirit of a true BIP professional. My observations are as follows: 

• 15 hours of preparation and cooking time to prepare a meal is similar to English people having the time to watch five days of test cricket. 
• This entire braai could have been produced in any country and had no South African character. Cooking the boerewors would have helped. 
• Solo braaing for large numbers of people is over-rated, especially if the majority of them don’t drink alcohol and therefore politely sit inside instead of wildly cheering your progress at the fireplace. 
• Once the food is eaten, there just isn’t very much to talk about especially if you don’t really know the people you’ve invited. (We were saved however by World Cup game 56 which started at 16h00) 

In reflecting on these earth-shattering observations, I made the important realization that BIP professionals need to be on top of their game. As the BIP movement celebrates the World Cup, so too do we need to accommodate change. While braaing is a quintessential South African art form, it’s fine for BIP to adopt other foods and customs alien to South Africa. However, what the World Cup has taught me is that it’s also fine to braai German sausage for 2 minutes and serve with this with bread rolls and lettuce, especially if you don’t know the people very well. 

Yours as ever in BIP 

Shayfish

Quasi-South Region

BIP vs The Greens

Dear BIP Member,

It has come to my attention that nothing is mentioned about the carbon footprint of the said organisation.

In order for BIP to trade in the lucrative trade in carbon offsets alternative means needs to be found to significantly reduce BIPs carbon footprint.

Having a braai for the proposed 60 - 100 people will produce as much carbon as the Old Athlone power station produced in 1 minute during the height of its carbon belching energy production. In addition to the carbon pollution, there is also the destruction of our imported naturalized Aussie Port Jackson trees as well as the problem of burying the said carbon underground which increases the carbon footprint of your area.

Let me suggest 3 alternative means to braai:

Communal braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel it is imperative that BIP considers some health and safety guidelines for communal or mass braaing. If we fail in this, we may well compromise our worldwide Braai Improvement Process (BIP) movement. I would like to offer the following example of a recent communal braai that I attended.

I was required to attend a parent’s campout night at a local school by my five year old daughter and my wife. Albeit reluctant, I agreed to this relentless pressure. I arrived at Hollow School with my new tent in tow and proceeded to try and erect it in a howling South-Easter gale.

Psycho-social braaing

Dear Dreb Jr,

I would like to formally thank you for yet another fabulous BIP missive , which I unfortunately only received yesterday. I myself have been reflecting on the meaning of braais recently and have come to the conclusion that they are psycho-social cultural events. To explain how I arrived at this conclusion, I offer the following applied research case study.

During the last weekend, I spent Friday and Sunday amusing Australians. On Saturday, I spent time with my sister to take a break from amusing Australians. Part of my amusement strategy was to braai for the Australians - I did inform them about BIP, but announced that BIP membership was not open to Australians or anyone else who uses the word "barbecue" to describe braaing.

Protocol (not a proctology lesson)

Dear Members

I am sure you have been alerted to a possible braai on Easter Sunday with a certain Brian who shall be called Braain. For me, this invitation lacks any form of protocol. For a start, BIP has not been prioritised or even consulted. However, I do concede that BIP's universal presence may not yet have penetrated into the Eastern Cape.

Braaing improves your sex life

• Do you want to improve your sex life? 
• Do you want to improve your personal wealth? 
• Do you want to be admired and respected by your peers? 

I’m sure we all do. In today’s technology, we all get bombarded with spam and desperate salespeople giving us unsolicited advice on our own self-improvement. What if I told you that you can exceed all expectations of your own sex life, wealth and respect? The answer is your own hands. You are the secret to your own success.

I’m sure most of you reading this are looking out for a catch. When is this article going to demand money from me? The answer is now. The Braai Improvement Process (BIP) is a holistic lifeskills course aimed at physical, mental and spiritual convergence, which will change your life forever and you will be the one to change it.

Marinades, etc etc

Dear Little Dreb

Thank you for renewing your subscription to the BIP Newsletter. In this edition you will find a range of tantalizing marinades, news of stupendous braais accross the globe and of course the usual regular columns, such as Dear Braaibee. In case you are unable to detach the 3D newsletter DVD complete with braai smells, an edited version of the newsletter appears below.

Letter from the Editor 
Greetings Fellow Braai people! I am very pleased to report on a research study recently completed by the University of Albania, which conclusively proves that human maturity is only reached if you are able to braai properly. The research goes on to show that most Albanians have not yet achieved maturity, even though many have obtained the lower barbecue competence. On a more spiritual note, the radiant luminescence of a braai at sunset taken at a mountain home in Scarborough is worth meditating on (page 3). Attitude and radiance are rare qualities of a meister braaier as they cannot be easily taught. So to all BIP devotees, I hope that 2008 is filled with the delicate aroma of the braai!

Marinades
For the fifth marinade, we are delighted that Egberta has decided to share her ancestral marinade recipe with us.

Macho braaing

Dear Litter Dreb

It is with great fondness that I remember our last BIP celebration. Since then I have faced challenges to my manhood that I now wish to reflect on. Whilst fishing at (secret location), I could not help noticing that my shoulder and stomach size was somewhat smaller than the average fishing male. Whereas I am very comfortable with the size of certain of my organs, I feel that an image shift may be in order. However, this may adversely affect my latent braaing skills.

BIP Systemic Impact (BIPSI)

Hello Braaimeester,

I am aware that we have a confirmed BIP convention this very evening. I had rather hoped that we would strategically plan this event in order to maximise the systemic impact of this initiative within our broader aims and vision. To this effect, I would like to detail the following consideration for your persual and digestion.

1. I feel that one area we have not investigated to date is the latent potential of our alien wood braais to become a source of biodiesel. Once this alien wood is saturated with meat fat and burnt, surely the ashes/coal could be recycled?
   

Re: Lost braaigrid

Dear braaimeester

My office has recently been alerted to my involvement in a BIP process, and they are somewhat in awe of this process. This has led to to braai documentation gleaned from international best practice to be forwarded to me.

Lost braaigrid

In a crisis (such as losing the braai grid) people become creative.

Re: BIP Portal Requisition

Dear BMLBD

(Indeed i am glad i not shuckbreath to you. Indeed too as you would know what the breath of a blacktipped greysuited shuck would smelloff.)

I completely identify with the portal for .... ahem clarifying inhibiting and debilitating factors affecting manhood's relationship with fire. Perhaps we need a solemn oath of secrecy however, as our reputations could suffer inconsolable damage should this be released to a wider public audience. I would like to motivate that this oath is accompanied by appropriate rituals such as pouring fat onto each of our wrists, clenching of the fist (so that from afar people think we are commemorating the mass struggle against apartheid) and then quickly touching clenched fists against each other (so that no-one thinks we're too happy).

I would like to release my own guilt ridden position. I am currently planning a braai tonight, but have not yet gotten around to inviting anyone to attend this braai. I feel that that on a subconscious level, I know that my braaing prowess and reputation will not be sullied if no-one is watching. However, this goes against the essence of braaing, namely that it is an activity for individuals to acknowledge they in a live in a social world. I also feel that I have failed in my co-leadership of the BIP banner.

What are your plans for this evening and is your lovely BIPWaG well enough to attend such an exhausting ritual?

Yours In BIP
Shorefish (made it by the way)

BIP Portal Requisition

Dear Notkak Notshucksfishbreatheither

BiP needs a portal for admitting and explaining problems with braaing. I feel this should be an essential part of BIP. I also think it should be done around the fire, but hey, when there is no fire what does one do - tik dit uit. So here goes my admission of guilt on a family braai held here last night (no guests, just us).

1. I announced a braai was in order in the morning but forgot to take the borewors out the freezer 
2. on defrosting the boerwors at the last moment I managed to par cook it in the microwave so most of the fat came out of the wors and was in the punnet 
3. a) I made a fire with my local spidergum kak wood, and when scraping coals out still found traces of the pizza cardboard that was used to start the fire;  b) i poured the defrosted fat in the punnet onto the fresh bed of coals thinking it might help to add flavour 
4. a) upon braaing the borewors did not sizzle; b) the smoke from the side fire irritated everyone 
5. the boerewors carried on par cooking 
6. I declared that it must be ready by now and put the fire out and proceeded up to the table, dripping borewors fat all over everything 
7. at the table while cutting/breaking boerewors for dishing onto plates I realised it was not properly cooked - a bit underdone inside and soft on outside 
8. I continued to serve and eat the borewors in an underdone state 
9. my BiPWaG said she thought it was nice 
10. my daughter would not eat it 
11. i ate my carefully selected parts 
12. there is still some almost braaied borewors left in the fridge 

i welcome your comments and suggestions

Braaimeesterinpottytraining (with a whet appetite),

HQ3f 

BIP Training, Membership, Salaries

Just reading this blog, almost entitles you to be a fully subscribed member of BIP. Acclaimed braaimeesters are hereby being invited to apply to become lead training providers for the Southern African region.

BIP Training Courses
The BIP training courses are conceptualised at Head Office. There are five levels. Generic competencies for these courses are described below, but there is signicant space for individual trainer creativity to be added.

• BIP Level 1 - Construction of a wood fire without using firelighters, grid cleaning, hand temperature control, use of braai tongs and how to put a fire out. 
• BIP Level 2 - Construction of a wood fire for two grids, health and safety course for burns, ability to turn grids while cooking and transfer of braai contents to serving platter. 
• BIP Level 3 - When to marinade and when not to, use of side fire for five meat braai, how to braai vegetables effectively and cooking without tinfoil.
  

Re: Braaitidea lighting my head

Greetings LBD

I too have been thinking of the improvement of our braai skills. This was recently highlighted when I performed a Weber braai on Sunday evening. A certain Holtipop and his Uberlicious arrived for said braai. I decided a rosemary smoked chicken would be in order. Knowing that one of the legs of my Weber braai was decidely disabled, I handled the braai machine with extreme care. As the chicken was nearing its cooking time I lifted the lid to ascertain my prowess in "webering". Unfortunately, as I replaced the lid, the entire Weber braai turned anti-clockwise and then slowly cartwheeled to the ground, leaving two aluminium legs standing upright in what could only be described as a "fuck you" sign.