Braaing with Foreigners

Dear Dreb

I hope you are well and that your wardrobe remains infused with the delicate fragrance of braai smoke. I would like to report on a series of braais I held recently that all involved an American and a South African/Australian who has spent much of his life in the USA. Now don’t get me wrong here. I have searched my soul for xenophobia and have decided that it is correct for all South Africans to show kindness and empathy to foreign people.

The problem I face is that these particular foreigners are fantastic people and my daughter really likes their daughter. This makes it very difficult for an experienced South African braaimeester to utter barely concealed jibes to the effect of “Australians cannot braai and their barbecuing skills are worse than English pommies” or “I find it strange that all American barbecues seem to involve huge vats of deep-fried fat”. I invited these people with some trepidation and bought caseloads of alcohol in case anything turned nasty.

The first braai they attended involved the usual waterblommetjie bredie and a rump steak. I started chatting to the SA/Aus lad and he distracted me to the point that I forgot to add baby potatoes with the waterblommetjies. I simply pretended that I had decided to spurn the potatoes on purpose but was not sure he believed me. I also forgot to check my liquid levels but managed to be more convincing this time around. I simply poured in some sauvignon blanc as if it were water and managed not to drink the remains of the wine straight from the bottle.

It was at this point that the braai started to become unstuck or in fact very stuck. The Cape rains had increased in intensity and I expertly manipulated a rump steak onto my indoor fire. This fire was very hot on account of the use of Namibian hardwood and the steak immediately erupted into flame. I attempted to ignore this, but by now the stench of charred cow swirled around the lounge. I then turned the steak and attended to my steamed Basmati rice. You can imagine my shock when said Aussie chirps quietly “I think your steak might be burning”. I sprinted to the lounge but it was too late. The steak was not only charred. It continued smoking and I had to use my tongs to bash off flaming pieces of carbon. I sliced it and left muttering an apology that I hoped nobody heard.

The next weekend I invited them again with the sole impression of re-asserting my braaimeester status. I cleverly invited a long time friend and her children so that the foreign family would not unduly distract me. This time I had marinated a leg of lamb in sherry, garlic, rosemary and a hint of coffee. I also bought another caseload of alcohol for emergency purposes. I fired up the Weber (forgetting that it is an outside oven) and served everyone with drinks. I then carefully laid my leg of lamb in the middle of the divided fire. At the time I was vaguely aware that my right hand and arm hair were burnt and smelt awful but brushed it off as part of my macho exterior. The foreign couple then suggested a walk on the beach and I felt it was my duty to point out that South African nature in combination with a South African braai is an ultimate art form. We returned from the beach with soaking children and I realised that my lamb was already overcooked. Once again I had been terribly distracted. I yanked the lid off the Weber and my leg of lamb had twisted itself over the coals. The heat of the Weber could have cooked another 3 legs of lamb and would probably have also burnt them. Once again there was the un-mistakable stench of charred sheep. I removed it to ‘rest’ and quickly dispatched a bottle of red wine down my throat. I then reprimanded my braai helper and told her that her roast potatoes were under-cooked even though they looked fine to me, which made me feel a little better.

I got the SA/Aus/USA lad to carve the meat hoping that he may take some blame for serving charred lamb, but instead everyone praised his carving skills. My braai then got totally out of hand. One of the child guests was very sick but felt a lot better after depositing the content of her lunch over my lounge couch. The American leapt up, despite my warning not to leave the table under any circumstances, and raced off to help. She ended up washing my entire lounge covers and cleaning everything. I waited until all was done and then offered help. I decided to pour a full glass of whiskey to assist with the residual stench but was relieved that this recent event had made everyone forget the charred lamb. 

We then watched the Argentina South Africa rugby match. Watching rugby with foreign people is very strange and particularly awkward when people of Australian heritage are in the same room. They were astounded at my roars of ‘Bokke’ even when it seemed we were about to lose and my wife had to tell me in no uncertain terms to keep quiet and be decorous. 

I have since spent the rest of the weekend pondering my braaing disasters and have come up with the following conclusions:

• Even if foreign people are the best people in the world, they are still very dangerous and can help you ruin your braai. 
• All braais for foreign people should be cooked beforehand and kept in the warming drawer. 
• Alcohol and children do not mix and it is strongly advisable to drink copious glasses of water in-between drinks. 
• Foreign people are fantastic at dealing with child disasters and should be invited to any event where children are present. 

I would deeply appreciate your insights on these matters and I suggest we keep this correspondence to South Africans only.

Yours in BIP


Shayfish

Deep South Region

Legitimacy of the Weber

Dear Dreb

I hope you are well and taking advantage of the clement weather to further improve your braaing skills. This is not the purpose of my communication to you however. I fear this may be one of last letters to you as the co-founder of BIP as I have discovered an inconvenient truth that threatens my entire identity as a braaimeester.

As you are aware, I have over the years engaged in robust debate as to whether the Weber is a legitimate form of braaing. As you will have also noted, my position has always been that of diehard support for the Weber as an ultimate braaing machine. I can no longer hold to this belief and hereby declare myself a fraudulent braaimeester. This is deeply embarrassing. I have not previously had the courage to publicly out myself as a fraudster, but have decided against my own better judgement that this is the only ethical path to take.  

Over a month ago, we decided to give our oven a vigorous clean. After a few hours and several changes of clothes, we were immensely impressed with the  sparkling state of our rejuvenated oven. I couldn’t wait for supper time and gleefully switched the oven on to 220 degrees Celsius, which promptly flicked the entire house into darkness. During the oven cleaning it appears that we irrevocably wrecked the element. After repeated disco displays of lights flashing on and off to the tune of our oven switch, I realised that I had to cook the evening meal in the Weber.

I fired the Weber up and browned my onions and mushrooms  - fortunately the stove top still worked. I then made a white cheese sauce and boiled macaroni.  After layering the pasta and adding bacon to ensure that the meal had at least one meat, I placed the casserole pot into the Weber in between the divided coals. After half an hour I checked it and the edges of the macaroni looked suitably braaied but otherwise it looked exactly as if it had come out of the oven. It was only then that that the thudding realization hit me that the Weber is an Oven. I nearly fell over and had to hold on to my overweight Labrador for support while I held back a sob at my own ultimate betrayal. Since then, I have used the Weber nearly daily as an oven and have cooked pork chops in a baking tray with sliced sweet potatoes, apples and potatoes smothered in a garlic, rosemary, olive and lemon juice marinade; roast beef and potatoes, and chicken pieces with courgettes and pineapple. I could go on but at this stage I need to draw the threadbare strands  of my shattered feelings close around the iciness of my heart.

After our oven was fixed, I walked outside and placed the Weber cover over my oven machine. I realise that I have fooled myself and my friends for years and can only beg for your forgiveness and mercy.

As a gesture of my humility, I would now like to invite you to an oven baked supper. The starters will be baked, rosemary-smoked aubergines smashed into a pate with olive oil and garlic accompanied by home baked bread. The main course will be macaroni and for dessert I will serve oven baked biscuits gently smoked with thyme. This will give you an opportunity to update me on your recent braaing feats and we can discuss the international ramifications of my fraud for BIP.

My deepest apologies

Shayfish

(Formerly BIP-Deep South)

Suburban braai

Dear Dreb 

I have long suspected that people who live in suburbs cannot be part of our Braai Improvement Process (BIP) as they are likely to use their gas oven hobs and call this a braai. However I was pleasantly surprised when recently invited to a suburban braai. This suburb is close to Cape Town’s rugby stadium.  I spent an inordinate amount of time arguing with police that I was due to attend a BIP intervention and should therefore be allowed to drive to my BIP venue that just happened to be surrounded by thousands of walking rugby supporters.

As I unpacked my car I heard the roar of the crowd and bowed, but for some strange reason the roaring crowd seemed unaware that BIP leadership had arrived. They all just carried on roaring something about a storm and bulls. With a regal wave I entered the suburban BIP venue. I carefully unpacked my cooler box and un-wrapped my braai grid. My host seemed surprised that I had brought my own double-hinged braai grid and I did not have the heart to tell him I had no confidence that suburban people even owned a braai. To my host’s credit, he had a large braai machine on wheels and had lit a fire. He explained that he was using oak firewood as he was in the process of cutting down trees. All I saw were two enormous oak branches hanging over the braai. I casually oiled my yellowtail and added salt and pepper to hide my astonishment at the scale of this fire.

As we delicately sipped our drinks, I compared braai notes with the host. He announced his intention to cook a mutton rib first and suggested we then cook the chicken kebabs and the yellowtail simultaneously. I surreptiously choked on my drink as I could not believe that suburban people had any sense of braai process, but held off offering my host admission to BIP. I felt he needed to prove that he could actually braai first. At this stage, one of the flaming oak branches smashed to the floor sending live coals and sparks everywhere. My wife leapt backwards and almost fell into the house drain behind her but recovered in time. My host then picked up the flaming log with bare hands and deposited it back into the braai. I began to develop a grudging sense of respect, which I hid by quaffing more alcohol.

A vegetarian guest attempted to join the BIP discussion, but it emerged that she had bought a cooked chicken for her children and a salad to this braai. I ignored her, but was very satisfied to note that some suburbanites really have no clue about the art of braaing.

My host then wrestled oak branches to the side of the braai and started braaing. The sweat dripped down his face into his beard, which glistened against the light of the patio. Using bare fists, he bashed the braai grid down to an appropriate height. He did manage to burn the fat side of the mutton rib, but this was the only fault I could find with his braaing technique. I was somewhat nervous when it came to sharing the braai. However, there were sufficient coals for my yellowtail even though I had to use sleight of hand to shovel offending chicken kebabs away from my cooking zone.

I have to secretly admit that I was very impressed with this braai. I felt the host had produced an authentic South Africa braai of chicken, mutton and yellowtail with a side salad that any BIP devotee would have relished. I did have to chew on the mutton for a long time before I dared swallow, but put this down to male machismo and didn’t let it interfere with my judgement.     

As my wife drove me home, I recalled the delicate sensation of red wine complimenting the mutton fat and issued a satisfied burp. I am prepared to concede that BIP can happen in suburbia, but couldn’t dispel the image that my host would be equally at home braaing in a remote rural cave. 

Yours in BIP

Shayfish

Quasi Deep South Region

Taking the bus

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving after braai. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice pinotage. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

BiP and the Global Recession

I feel that our international Braai Improvement Process (BIP) needs to make a statement in the face of a global economic recession. As a leading social movement, BIP needs to demonstrate compassion and stand with millions of fellow braai/barbecue members who are now unemployed.

BIP would like to offer our readership two braai responses that will alleviate the tragedy of being made redundant years before this was necessary. As always, I’d appreciate your insights on ways that BIP can continue to improve the lives of all regardless of race, creed or gender.

The reconciliation and retribution braai

BIP suggests that you invite your boss and his/her family to your house after you have been retrenched or fired. The invitation should be worded in the following way:

I have recently been thinking about the times we’ve spent together over the years at work. Although I was surprised and somewhat upset by the fact that I was the one to be retrenched, I would like to apologise for my reactions and for holding you personally responsible at the time. I now realise that it was not your fault I was retrenched and that banks and other corporate financial institutions focused on capitalist greed are the real problem.

I would like to reconcile with you and your family and therefore invite you to a braai/barbecue at my house on the following Saturday. Please do not bring anything with you, as I would like to apologise in person and treat you to a family feast as a part of my apology.

Yours in reconciliation……”

The secret to this braai is to prepare food that looks identical. Take two chickens and prepare the following stuffing:

• Chicken 1. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of dark chocolate broken into pieces, 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.
• Chicken 2. Tear three slices of bread into rough chunks, add 200 g of Brooklax (or any other chocolate flavoured stomach relaxant), 50 ml orange juice and 1 lightly beaten egg. Combine the ingredients and stuff the whole chicken.

Braai both chickens in a weber using a divided fire but make very sure that you know which chicken is stuffed with Brooklax. Melt 100g of chocolate mixed with a teaspoon of cayenne pepper and swirl this over both chickens. This will disguise any strange smells emanating from the Brooklax chicken. Put each chicken on a separate platter. Insist on serving your ex-employer’s family first. Remove the brooklax chicken platter with a flourish and bring out the chocolate-stuffed chicken for your own family.

It is very important that you keep your cool at a braai like this. I would offer a ‘sincere apology’ at the beginning of the meal and then toast your ex-employer’s family. I would then explain that I spared no expense for this meal and hope they like it. This should make them feel that they have to eat your food even though chocolate-flavoured chicken is disgusting. You have one hour before the Brooklax will take effect after they’ve eaten it. This means you need to serve dessert immediately after the chicken and then pointedly offer tea or coffee. If they fail to show any signs of leaving, explain to them that your family is late for a training session at AMWAY that will change their lives and economic fortunes.

We do know that this choice of braai will only provide temporary belief as you will still remain unemployed, but we feel it is an important part of your healing process and a reminder that a sense of humour gets you through most things.

The next BIP strategy will focus on how you can find a solution to unemployment through using your very own braai/barbecue equipment.

The Income Generation Braai

Many people are tempted to become depressed when they have no job. Depression is not going to help you make money. BIP would like to share a strategy with you that is guaranteed to make money for you. All you need to have is braai equipment, even if you just borrow this from a neighbour.

Step 1 - Venue

1. Approach your local school or sports ground and tell them you would like to raise funds for charity.
2. Act outraged if they try and charge you for use of the school field.

Step 2 - The guests

1. Write out fliers or if you have a Blackberry, send BBMs through the airwaves announcing a braai competition at the local school/sports ground.
2. On the invitation, ask people to bring their own braai and braai food for the competition. Each entrant will also need to pay US $ 50 (R 400) to braai at the local school/sports field and that these funds will be given to unemployed people. Note that people will not be allowed to bring alcohol onto the premises and announce that a cash bar will be established on site.

Step 3 - The braai

1. Solicit competition prizes for free from large corporate companies. If you have no success here, speak to the wealthier members of your family and ask them to park their cars on ramps around the school field. Make sure that your family members ‘win’ their cars back as family members can be dangerous if they’re upset.
2. Place a large desk in the middle of the field and announce members of your family as impartial judges of the braai competition. Repeat that the proceeds of this braai competition will go to the unemployed.
3. Send around a team of ‘officials’ with platters who will instruct the competitors to place the braaied meat on the platters for judging.
4. Announce disguised members of your family as winners of the braai competition and hand them back their car keys.
5. Send off all braaied meat submitted for judging purposes with a family member to your house and instruct him/her to place the meat in your deep freeze. Cooked meat freezes very well.
6. Announce the amount of money that will be given to unemployed people as a result of the braai competition entrance fees and thank everyone for supporting such a good cause.

The income generation braai allows you to have genuine fun while raising much needed funds for your unemployed family and free food. You will be surrounded by fellow braai members who are very impressed with your generosity to the unemployed.

The income generation braai theme can be repeated often but we would suggest that you may wish to change your geographic area for each competition. It may also help you to have an official stamp of approval for your braai competitions and BIP will happily provide our international approval stamp for only US $ 5000.

Yours in braaing splendour,

Shayfish

BIP Founding member

Quasi-South Region

What is a South African braai?

Dear Drebster

It has been a while since we last communicated on the Braai Improvement Process (BIP). I have recently had some space to ponder and wonder if BIP can be truly classified as a South African based international organisation. As you may have noticed our BIP blog is now receiving communication from foreigners commenting on the South African braai experience. What made me sit up was that this communication was well informed and beautifully written.

I have therefore decided to take a brutal look at BIP and reflect on whether we are in fact the leading authority on South African braais. In this past week, I only managed to braai on four of the days. I was tempted to blame the weather for this, but foreign guests reading this may accuse of me being a wimp. Having then consciously chosen to braai on 4 weekdays, my research question stands – What is a South African braai?

On Day 1, I chose to braai steak, boerewors (spiced sausage) and a spatchcock (splayed) chicken. I baked potatoes and butternut as a side dish for the meat. Of these ingredients, butternut and boerewors could be described as South African foods, but even these are well known internationally. I cooked the chicken in my Weber using firelighters (paraffin) and briquettes, which any European or American could have done. I also used firelighters and Namibian hardwood (Kameldoring) for the steak and boerewors. I should have used my local Cape Times newspaper to start the fire.

On Day 2, I braaied pork ribs and baked a try of roast vegetables. At this stage, I had run out of firelighters and ended up chopping wood with a hand axe and using newspaper. I was very impressed with this and felt decidedly macho. Unfortunately no-one at home was witness to this affirmation of my masculinity. Pork ribs cannot be described as South African.

On Day 3, I decided to cook a waterblommetjie (water lilies) bredie in my potjie (three legged iron pot). As usual I used firelighters and briquettes. For the meat, I used Namibian mutton and cooked this with rosemary, garlic, onions, chicken stock and white wine. The white wine was South African. After 2 hours, I added the South African waterblommetjies, lemon rind and lemon juice. I then made Basmati rice. Basmati rice is genetically modified and non-South African. I chose to ignore the faint grittiness of the waterblommetjies and braved my family’s derisive comments that I had not soaked the blommetjies in salt water for long enough.

On Day 4, I marinated a 2.5 kg leg of lamb with rosemary, garlic, South African Old Brown sherry and a pinch of Starbucks coffee. The coffee eradicates any metallic taste of the sherry. I then used a divided fire in my Weber to roast this for 2 hours. I then opened two tubs of humus, made tzatziki, and guacamole (mashed avocados). I served this with heated pita breads. At least the sherry was South African.

It causes me great sadness to admit that not one of these braais could be described as South African, with the possible exception of the waterblommetjie bredie. As a founder member of BIP and a South African braaimeester, I have had to think very carefully about my response to this crisis.

I would now like to propose the following definition of the South African braai, which I feel should be part of the BIP Constitution.

Any braai that uses one locally produced South African ingredient can be called a South African braai. The term ‘ingredient’ also applies to the entire braai (braai structure, wood, food, braai drinks, etc.).

BIP recognises that all of humanity originates from Africa and as a part of Africa we can therefore claim the right to braai any food subsequently developed by any person or nation and call it South African.

We acknowledge that we are a cross-cultural country and BIP recognises that South Africa is the ultimate braai nation with unique approaches not found elsewhere in the world. We applaud best South African braai practices, such as cooking ‘smileys’ (lamb jawbone) with an acetylene torch.

I feel that the addition of this definition to our constitution will prevent us from any critique be it local or international and allow BIP to take its rightful place as the leading visionary for South African braais within a globalised world.

Sincerely

Shayfish
Quasi-Deep South Region

American makes friends with Braai - Guest author Blake Fields

My Braaing Experience, by Blake Fields

I recently returned from an amazing trip to South Africa. I stayed pretty close to the city of Durban for most of the trip and was surprised and delighted every day at the new experiences of South African culture. I did visit a mall or two during my stay, but my favorite experiences were browsing the traditional marketplaces for amazing [http://www.tanga.com] and going to braais. I'm used to going to barbecues in the States, so I initially drew some pretty close parallels to braaing and barbecuing, but I soon learned how wrong I was.

There are some similarities between a braai and a traditional American barbecue, which can confuse newcomers. Both are largely social affairs, which generally feature close friends and family spending an evening together, talking and having fun. Also, both are centered on the food; nothing can bring together a large, diverse group of people like expertly prepared food. The responsibility of cooking the meat is left up to one man in both traditions, though it's not as serious an offense to mess with someone else's grill in America. Beer also seems to be a pretty important part of both practices, with the men generally having a drink while discussing major sporting events, politics or current news.

Though it may seem as though a braai and American barbecue are nearly the same, most of the similarities are only surface level, I soon found. Typically, Americans will go to the supermarket and pick up a few types of meat, then move on. For a braai, however, people will visit a local butcher for the best meat they can get, including chicken, steaks, boerwors, a spicy sausage, sosaties and fish. The incredible variety of meat available at a braai floored me my first time and now I find myself slightly disappointed when I go to a barbecue and see only hamburgers and hot dogs. Another major difference is that, though you may offer to help prepare the meat, you never touch another man's braai unless he asks you. Braaing is an art form and telling another man what to do or, worse, attempting to do it yourself, would be like taking a painter's brush from his hands and trying to finish the painting yourself. You're free to marvel at the cook's skill and try to learn his techniques, but butting in is definitely unwelcome.

My experiences in South Africa, from haggling with vendors in the marketplace to buying meat and produce at the farmer's market will always be among my fondest memories. My favorite parts of my trip, though, were the fantastic times I was able to have with people at braais, learning about their food culture and having a blast at the same time. I'm definitely looking forward to introducing my friends to some of the amazing food I discovered during my trip.

Blake Fields
[blake007 [ a t ] cooksandtravelbooks.com]

Children's Braai

Dear Dreb

It has been a while since we last communicated on our Braai Improvement Process. I have put this down to the fact that we’ve had a particularly wet spring and that there is only a limited amount of enthusiasm for reporting on braais that take place under a kettle lid or Weber.

I would however like to reflect with you on a braai I held recently for children. A friend of mine arrived with two pre-teens and a young adult aged 3. I fielded my wife, a 16 and 6 year old for this braai. I hadn’t seen this friend for a while and thought I should elevate this braai somewhat. I therefore bought a large steak fillet, fresh herbs, bacon, potatoes, butter and brandy. Armed with these fine ingredients, I was ready to proceed.

I started by testing the quality of the KWC 5 year old brandy by mixing this with coke. It tasted excellent and did not leave any oily taste in the mouth, even after the second brandy and coke. I lit the weber and used the indirect method. I then dried the fillet with toilet paper and pressed a mound of coarse black pepper all over it. This sat for 30 minutes while I peeled potatoes and par-boiled them. I also made a salad, which looks good although I personally don’t touch the stuff. After placing the oiled potatoes into the oven at 220 degrees I added the fresh herbs onto the fillet and then tied rashers of bacon around the fillet and herbs. This is no mean feat and I found myself using a lot of string. My guests arrived and we sipped on delicious red wine to allay the usual parent concerns that our children will: 

  (a) be nice to the guests, other children and,
  (b) not bother us.

The fillet took about 25 minutes to cook until it was rare and I then transferred this to the kitchen to rest. I whipped out the potatoes into a bowl and dumped the salad next to it on the table. The children were summonsed while I melted butter and poured this all over the now sliced steak. I then encountered a minor problem. In my gay abandon, I had no clean pots left. I therefore poured a generous amount of brandy into a microwave-proof bowl and heated it. I noticed that the bowl was in fact very hot as I carried it to the table. Being a seasoned BIP expert, this did not faze me. I lit the brandy in front of expectant and presumably adoring faces, which very nearly succeeded in burning my eyelashes off. Somewhat perturbed, I picked the bowl up to pour over the fillet steak but by now the heat of the bowl defied even a BIP professional. The burning brandy did land on the meat initially, but also over the table, chairs and plastic children’s cups. It was rather spectacular as it flowed lava-like down the table. For some inexplicable reason, the children evacuated their seats, which I ascribed to poor parental training. I relit the brandy in the steak platter to ensure it was all burned off which duly reignited.

It was here that calamity struck. As I cooled my singed hands in the kitchen under running water, I expectantly awaited suitable applause and opprobrium for my braaing feat. Instead there was silence. Then a question came from the pre-teen – “What does brandy taste like and is there brandy on my steak?” My response was to splutter in my wine and note in a stern voice that all of the brandy had burned off even though I could not help but notice that the pieces of steak did appear to be floating in the platter. This response did not seem to appease pre-teens who both stopped eating immediately. The 3 year old announced he did not eat meat. Thankfully my six year old daughter did not seem to understand the question and carried on eating sublimely unaware of any crisis. I then caught the 16 year old out of the corner of my eye walking to the kitchen to drain the ‘sauce’ off her plate. I ended up cutting little cubes out of the centre of each piece of fillet steak and offering these to the pre-teens only to be informed they were full. My friend and wife valiantly assured me it was a superb meal albeit that they also felt it their duty to inform me that there did appear to be a lot of brandy in the meal.

My dog mysteriously refused to lick the steak platter clean the next morning.

I spent some time reflecting on this BIP masterpiece braai. Being open-minded, I felt I should be open to criticism, even if it came from pre-teens and these are my open reflections: 

• Fillet steak is wasted on young people. 
• Always use a handled saucepan to pour any boiling brandy over meat. It really does avoid embarrassment. 
• Always be prepared for children’s braais with appropriate parental advice. I really missed a trick by not responding with “Someday you’ll thank us adults for introducing you to Epicurean foibles” or some other infallible comment. 
• Never braai for children. They’re very happy with hot dogs and fish fingers, which leaves BIP professionals space for creative cooking. 

I’d appreciate your thoughts on these reflections as I feel some of these should even be considered for inclusion in our BIP Constitution.

Yours as ever in BIP

Shayfish
BIP Quasi-South Region

BiP Worldwide Tour

Dear Dreb

I am extremely concerned that world-wide braaing is on the decline, partly due to nanny state concerns about the hygienic aspects of braaing and mainly because we’re all in a global recession. This could potentially affect our Braai Improvement Process (BIP) income and our only plan for luxury retirement. I feel we need to launch an international braai tour sponsored by British American Tobacco (BAT) who is not averse to smoke.

Most companies require a business plan but if we could provide a demo of our upcoming world tour, funding from BAT will be a pushover. I feel this tour should have maximum appeal to your average braai person rather than portraying braaing as an elite sport. I propose the following low key approach.

• Scene 1: Panoramic backdrop of small Cape fishing village showing mountain and sea. African drum-rolls that crescendo in pace. Dreb and Shayfish enter stage shrouded in cloaks. Fireworks erupt and the hidden braai erupts into flame. Dreb and Shayfish drop their cloaks and launch into Zulu/Nguni dancing wearing traditional African zebra skins (black and white on the same skin show our commitment to non-racialism). We may need doubles here, as my Achilles heel is not as strong as it was. 

• Break: We need this so that the fire is ready for braaing 

• Scene 2: Freshly Ground provide us with a World Braai Cup song as we re-enter the stage. Backdrop shows Dreb catching a yellowtail fish with bare hands at an undisclosed location somewhere in Cape Town. (I think we may want to leave the gutting part out of the visuals). Women actors ululate while carrying dead yellowtail fish to Dreb and Shayfish. Dreb and Shayfish set the braai grid above the coals in much the same way as Ernie Els looks when he’s about to putt a golf ball – it’s all about crouching. Lighting changes – glistening sweat rolls off Dreb and Shayfish who peel the zebra skin off their shoulders to form an elaborate loin cloth. Camera pans in and records the hushed conversation prior to flipping the fish. From Shayfish’s left, a menacing snake rears up. Single handedly, Shayfish wrestles the boerewors sausage and expertly rolls it up before placing on the braai. A praise singer enters as the meal is cooked. More praise singers arrive and carry Dreb and Shayfish off stage with the food. 

• Scene 3: Dreb and Shayfish enter wearing Levis and lumberjack shirts (this will appeal to many British and Americans who tend to barbecue). At the table adoring family and friends await the braai. Dreb and Shayfish dress the salad and potatoes (in order to show that real men can actually cook vegetables) and place these on the table. To the sound of Peter Stuyvesant and Camel theme tunes (we must remember our sponsors) family and friends are pictured eating braaied fish and boerewors across the world e.g. the Alps, Grand Canyon, Nababeep etc. We can use Cape Town for most of these scenes, as all film-makers do. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A man’s way to love his family. 

• Scene 4: Dunhill and Lexington theme tunes play softly. A woman enters in dungarees and starts splitting wood with a double edged axe. She adds the split wood to the coals and breathes life into the fire. She then braais prawns (most countries braai this). Family and friends surround her and she serves the prawns in delicate tissue holders. As the music dies, an announcement is made – Braaing – A women’s way to love her family. 

• Finale: African drum rolls. Lightning and thunder reverberate across the panoramic drop. Each lightening flash shows Dreb and Shayfish in hectic braai mode e.g. muscles taut as five meats are turned etc. Sunshine breaks through – Dreb and Shayfish laugh triumphantly against the backdrop of a spit braai. The shadows lengthen – Dreb and Shayfish being hugged by gorgeous people, braai in the background. A small child, impeccably dressed, brings out a white handkerchief and wipes Dreb’s brow.  Freshly Ground re-enters and sing songs that evoke tears. In the sunset, the message appears – Welcome to Africa – the home of humanity – the home of fire – Braai, brothers and sisters, Braai. Join BIP – change your life and braai for humanity. 

As you can see, this approach has not been tightly formulated and I would welcome your input on BIP’s returns on investment as an international movement.

Yours in BIP

Shayfish
Quasi-South Region

World Cup braaing

Dear Dewman

I would like to show deep reverence for your principled stand against observing any of the FIFA World Cup games, which is to be applauded. Unfortunately, I cannot make the same claim and acknowledge that my passion for this World Cup could be equated to that of a seasoned harlot. This has allowed me to gain some insight into ways that people braai in the middle of the World Cup.

Over 98% of all commercial food sold at the World Cup uses gas burners that cannot be equated to a braai. It does not even come close. Upon inspection of some of these facilities at the Cape Town Fan Walk, the ‘braai grids’ above the gas burner were caked in fat and carbon. Clearly no-one had informed them of the BIP rule to burn off your braai grids before braaing. Gas burners also disobey the cardinal braai rule of lighting a fire and then waiting for the coals to be ready, which allows humanity to engage in frivolous discourse on the meaning of life.

Boerewors was minimally existent and German sausages formed an important part of most menus. I only discovered why this was so towards the end of the World Cup. Boerewors takes on average 80% longer to cook than German sausages do and rapid production lines are all important when 60 000 people are waiting for fast food.

Given this moral absence of braaing at the World Cup, I would like to offer the experiences of a real braai that I performed at during the World Cup. This braai was held for 9 adults and 4 children. As I did not know many of them very well, I bought the food the day before in an attempt to be as organised as possible. This included three boxes of frozen prawns, salads, ingredients for a veggie potjie and basmati rice. In the absence of any BIP advisors, my wife was consulted and I was sent out shopping again on the day of the braai to purchase two dead chickens and boerewors.

I fired up my braai and the Weber at 10h00. The day was extraordinarily windy and for some reason this affected my chickens. I have never witnessed a chicken simultaneously burned and raw at the same time. As a BIP professional this did not phase me – I merely made sure that all sides of the chicken were burnt and proudly informed my audience that Cajun chicken is the new black in braai ‘fashionista’ circles.

The prawns killed me. What point is there in defrosting a sea cockroach (many hours), then dousing it in marinade for four hours and finally braaing them, only to watch them shrivel up and constitute one bite? I need to make a critical admission here. My prawns originally hailed from India and try as I might I struggled to find the intestines of all these prawns. Don’t get me wrong, I love India and all Indian food, but I don’t trust their water. I therefore avoided cooking the prawns until they were translucent and made very sure that they were over-cooked just in case I spread typhoid across the Cape Town community.

As you are well aware, basmati rice was one of the first genetically modified products and it cannot be braaied. My veg potjie was the usual – vegetables topped with coconut cream and cashew nuts so as to disguise the taste of vegetables. I did not have the mental strength to cook the boerewors.

This meal was served at 14h30, ostensibly to accommodate a late-comer, but in reality I could not produce this braai any faster. Despite the platitudes received on this braai I was left with a profound feeling of discomfort and made a mental note to reflect on this braai in the spirit of a true BIP professional. My observations are as follows: 

• 15 hours of preparation and cooking time to prepare a meal is similar to English people having the time to watch five days of test cricket. 
• This entire braai could have been produced in any country and had no South African character. Cooking the boerewors would have helped. 
• Solo braaing for large numbers of people is over-rated, especially if the majority of them don’t drink alcohol and therefore politely sit inside instead of wildly cheering your progress at the fireplace. 
• Once the food is eaten, there just isn’t very much to talk about especially if you don’t really know the people you’ve invited. (We were saved however by World Cup game 56 which started at 16h00) 

In reflecting on these earth-shattering observations, I made the important realization that BIP professionals need to be on top of their game. As the BIP movement celebrates the World Cup, so too do we need to accommodate change. While braaing is a quintessential South African art form, it’s fine for BIP to adopt other foods and customs alien to South Africa. However, what the World Cup has taught me is that it’s also fine to braai German sausage for 2 minutes and serve with this with bread rolls and lettuce, especially if you don’t know the people very well. 

Yours as ever in BIP 

Shayfish

Quasi-South Region

The dangers of vegetarian braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel a strong need to reflect on my recent experience of vegetarian braaing, which has threatened to scar me for life. I have long been suspicious of vegetarian braaing, as I normally have very little in common with vegetarians. Most of my popular braai topics such as the merits of rare steak or lightly marinated lamb chops somewhat fall flat in my braai discussions with vegetarians.

Be that as it may, some of my best friends are quasi-vegetarians. Knowing that I have yet to attain veggie braaimeester status I thought it would be a very good idea to be ultimately prepared for this braai. My friend had reluctantly agree to try chicken so long as it didn’t look  or taste like chicken. I therefore prepared a marinade for ‘chicken tikka tikka’ – the usual yoghurt, turmeric, garlic, roasted sesame seeds number. After the lemon doused chicken pieces were threaded onto bamboo sticks and submerged in luminescent yellow marinade for a few hours, there was very little to indicate that this was a chicken dish.  I then marinated a few lamb chops in garlic, rosemary and olive oil just in case the vegetarian side of things proved inedible.

My piece de resistance however was taken from a Frenchie barbecue recipe for vegetarian sausages. This involved...

BIP vs The Greens

Dear BIP Member,

It has come to my attention that nothing is mentioned about the carbon footprint of the said organisation.

In order for BIP to trade in the lucrative trade in carbon offsets alternative means needs to be found to significantly reduce BIPs carbon footprint.

Having a braai for the proposed 60 - 100 people will produce as much carbon as the Old Athlone power station produced in 1 minute during the height of its carbon belching energy production. In addition to the carbon pollution, there is also the destruction of our imported naturalized Aussie Port Jackson trees as well as the problem of burying the said carbon underground which increases the carbon footprint of your area.

Let me suggest 3 alternative means to braai:

Communal braaing

Dear Driedfish,

I feel it is imperative that BIP considers some health and safety guidelines for communal or mass braaing. If we fail in this, we may well compromise our worldwide Braai Improvement Process (BIP) movement. I would like to offer the following example of a recent communal braai that I attended.

I was required to attend a parent’s campout night at a local school by my five year old daughter and my wife. Albeit reluctant, I agreed to this relentless pressure. I arrived at Hollow School with my new tent in tow and proceeded to try and erect it in a howling South-Easter gale.

Confluence of braaing and football

Dear braaibed colleagues,

Amidst the turmoil and exhaustion at the end of last year, I somewhat exuberantly announced that the next BIP newsletter would focus on the confluence of braaing and football. Whereas I have to admit that my knowledge of football is not significant, I feel that BIP in the African World Cup year has to say something about this.

Simply put, braaing is the ultimate description of life as we know it. From the evolution of humanity, we progressed to cooking food on fires, whereas soccer appears to have arisen as a game in the 15th century odd involving two villages trying to carry/kick a pig's bladder to each other's village. It is now accepted fact that after the respective village won and all the dead and maimed were removed from the 'field', they braaied the pig's bladder, although oral history records on this are surprisingly short on detail as to how it was braaied.

Festive Pt 3: Braaied Alaska

Ystervark (Porcupine) Braaied Alaska

We'd like to thank an anonymous delegate from the Deep South for this recipe, which draws on traditions of the developed and developing worlds. The reason for the anonymity is that we actually couldn't find out exactly which BIP delegate submitted this. We do like this recipe however for its encouragement of cross-gendered activity as men get to bake while braaing. We do need to caution that this recipe is normally reserved for BIP delegates who have already earned the title of BIP Braaimeester.