The will to braai

Dear Ladel of Dreb

Following our exploration into the vortex of experiential braaing, I would like to offer the following reflection based on braaing practice. Last Friday, I prepared for the weekly BIP ritual. Being somewhat world weary, I bought the following braai items from Woolworths:

• 1 rump steak 
• 8 lamb chops 
• 1 roll of lamb sausage 
• 1 packet baby potatoes (with garlic butter added) 
• 1 tinfoil container filled with a range of sweet pepper, butternut and onion 
• 1 packet brown mushrooms and pre-mashed garlic 
• 1 camembert and 1 brie together with water crackers 
• 1 Malva pudding and fresh custard 
• 2 packets chocolate balls 
• 1 packet Woolworths briquettes and firelighters 

I lit the fire at roughly 18h00 and rebuffed my daughter's offer of help in making the braai. I sheepishly explained that it didn't need two people to light a firelighter and pour briquettes over the paraffin. As per BIP custom, I burned the grid off, but with glowing briquettes, it didn't really seem to burn off that well. At 18h45, I switched the stove on and placed microwaveable potatoes in a clay pot with the garlic butter into the oven. I added a tinfoil container of vegetables, soaked in olive oil. I then prepared the mushrooms by cutting them in half, adding a basil rocket pesto and garlic, adding them to tinfoil and folding the tinfoil packet tightly.

Re: BIP Portal Requisition

Dear BMLBD

(Indeed i am glad i not shuckbreath to you. Indeed too as you would know what the breath of a blacktipped greysuited shuck would smelloff.)

I completely identify with the portal for .... ahem clarifying inhibiting and debilitating factors affecting manhood's relationship with fire. Perhaps we need a solemn oath of secrecy however, as our reputations could suffer inconsolable damage should this be released to a wider public audience. I would like to motivate that this oath is accompanied by appropriate rituals such as pouring fat onto each of our wrists, clenching of the fist (so that from afar people think we are commemorating the mass struggle against apartheid) and then quickly touching clenched fists against each other (so that no-one thinks we're too happy).

I would like to release my own guilt ridden position. I am currently planning a braai tonight, but have not yet gotten around to inviting anyone to attend this braai. I feel that that on a subconscious level, I know that my braaing prowess and reputation will not be sullied if no-one is watching. However, this goes against the essence of braaing, namely that it is an activity for individuals to acknowledge they in a live in a social world. I also feel that I have failed in my co-leadership of the BIP banner.

What are your plans for this evening and is your lovely BIPWaG well enough to attend such an exhausting ritual?

Yours In BIP
Shorefish (made it by the way)

BIP Portal Requisition

Dear Notkak Notshucksfishbreatheither

BiP needs a portal for admitting and explaining problems with braaing. I feel this should be an essential part of BIP. I also think it should be done around the fire, but hey, when there is no fire what does one do - tik dit uit. So here goes my admission of guilt on a family braai held here last night (no guests, just us).

1. I announced a braai was in order in the morning but forgot to take the borewors out the freezer 
2. on defrosting the boerwors at the last moment I managed to par cook it in the microwave so most of the fat came out of the wors and was in the punnet 
3. a) I made a fire with my local spidergum kak wood, and when scraping coals out still found traces of the pizza cardboard that was used to start the fire;  b) i poured the defrosted fat in the punnet onto the fresh bed of coals thinking it might help to add flavour 
4. a) upon braaing the borewors did not sizzle; b) the smoke from the side fire irritated everyone 
5. the boerewors carried on par cooking 
6. I declared that it must be ready by now and put the fire out and proceeded up to the table, dripping borewors fat all over everything 
7. at the table while cutting/breaking boerewors for dishing onto plates I realised it was not properly cooked - a bit underdone inside and soft on outside 
8. I continued to serve and eat the borewors in an underdone state 
9. my BiPWaG said she thought it was nice 
10. my daughter would not eat it 
11. i ate my carefully selected parts 
12. there is still some almost braaied borewors left in the fridge 

i welcome your comments and suggestions

Braaimeesterinpottytraining (with a whet appetite),

HQ3f 

BIP Training, Membership, Salaries

Just reading this blog, almost entitles you to be a fully subscribed member of BIP. Acclaimed braaimeesters are hereby being invited to apply to become lead training providers for the Southern African region.

BIP Training Courses
The BIP training courses are conceptualised at Head Office. There are five levels. Generic competencies for these courses are described below, but there is signicant space for individual trainer creativity to be added.

• BIP Level 1 - Construction of a wood fire without using firelighters, grid cleaning, hand temperature control, use of braai tongs and how to put a fire out. 
• BIP Level 2 - Construction of a wood fire for two grids, health and safety course for burns, ability to turn grids while cooking and transfer of braai contents to serving platter. 
• BIP Level 3 - When to marinade and when not to, use of side fire for five meat braai, how to braai vegetables effectively and cooking without tinfoil.
  

Hello and welcome!

Hello. This is the home of the Braai Improvement Process.

At the adenda-settling inauguration braai with 5 kinds of meat, one of which (chicken) is known to be a staple vegetable, it was duly and rightfully declared that the Braai Improvement Process (BIP) come out of public hibermarination, and into the fire of the belly of the notpublicityshy firefly, the spidergumsweb. The fabulous union between ShaythePhreckens aren'tthey! or is-he? and LittleBig Drebbn has made it to the big apple of all loinfruit, the interestweb. The plan is to put the interest back into the inertweb, but this would be a total fibulation of the truth. We want to talkbraai here. We can make a pledge.

Some highlights of the 2007 inauguration:

• Interweb bearing accounts have been set up, stocked with cashmoney overflows and jasus islandii rocked lobsters when in season.
• The second weekend in June shall forever be known as our BIPday. A nemo has been requestfully and respectfully sent to the bipmarketing-dictionary-and-calendar division; and to governments everywhere that this weekend (mentioned above) a) be allocated a single day on the calendar, and also a) to occupy 72 hours of clocktime. Neither a) should have power over any other a) mentioned in that sentence.
• It was phonetically acknowledged that though there is an iron braai, taking the i out of braai would be like taking the bottom out of the barrel. A four year old offspring with neither internet nor formal BIP training had the damnation to speak, pointing out that "I want" is childlang for "Please can i have", and so deducted that 'braai' can still be pronounced 'braa' without losing any of its South African flavour. Needless to say, that child's bum bypassed the batter and fryingpan endirect route to the butter.

BIP Inaugural Agenda Planning Committee

Hello Braaimeester

I thank you for your formal communication with regards to the formation of BIP. I have detailed a tentative agenda below for the inaugural BIP meeting at HQ2 from 17h00 and would appreciate your oversight in this regard.

BIP Inaugural Agenda
Venue: HQ2
Time: 17h06 - Mutually decided cut off point
Date: 8 June 2007

Agenda Items

1. Welcome and Introductions - BIP CEO (Creative Execution Officer/HQ3 Braaimeester)
2. Inauguration of the BIP Instrument (pouring of brandy onto the braai)
3. Incantation of BIP Solemn Oath (to be devised by BIP initiates)
4. Brotherhood/Sisterhood BIP Ritual (hence smoking the bipipe)
5. Familial Involvement Chant ("Careful of the fire" sung to the tune Bruce Springbean's "I'm on fire")
6. First BIP Incandescense (HQ3 Braaimeester to convene)
7. Quality Assurance of BIP (BIP Tasters Committee - all BIP devotees)
8. Quality Management Report (Audio-Sensual Portfolio developed - all BIP devotees)
9. Development of Futuristic Strategic Planning Matrix (BIP future targets identified)
10. Closure of BIP Convocation (Fire replenished to burn braai grids off - Repeat of Agenda Items 4 and 5) 

My thoughts on this agenda are that it is a little parsimonious and that it could be spiced up and marinaded.

Forwards to the task ahead,
Shorefish (made it by the way)

HQ2a/1/SN/H20

Rere: Braaitidea lighting my head

Hallo Shotfish

(I hope you make it to shorefish without attracting too many shuckfish)

A most brilliant reply and herewith I heartily welcome the BIP into my life and family. We are also open on Friday evening (I usually keep every friday open for braais, and hope that now that we have BIP we can start braaing more regularly during the week as well...please put this on the agenda for our forthcoming BIP braai).

My family has agreed that the next BIP braai can happen at your house on Friday evening. We will try and get there early (5 ish) to give BIP a good chance of gaining momentum and goodspa. Please include me in the planning and preparation phases for the launch of BIP on Friday.

all the best
L-BD

Re: Braaitidea lighting my head

Greetings LBD

I too have been thinking of the improvement of our braai skills. This was recently highlighted when I performed a Weber braai on Sunday evening. A certain Holtipop and his Uberlicious arrived for said braai. I decided a rosemary smoked chicken would be in order. Knowing that one of the legs of my Weber braai was decidely disabled, I handled the braai machine with extreme care. As the chicken was nearing its cooking time I lifted the lid to ascertain my prowess in "webering". Unfortunately, as I replaced the lid, the entire Weber braai turned anti-clockwise and then slowly cartwheeled to the ground, leaving two aluminium legs standing upright in what could only be described as a "fuck you" sign.

Braaitidea lighting my head

Good day ShaythePhrecker!

i have been thinking quite a lot about our braai on friday. What i have realised is that there is a lot of room for improvement on our braaing skills. I have also thought that the best way of improving on our braaing is by practising it - the more we practise the better we will get at it and the better we get the more the enjoyment we will get out of braaing. And once I realised this it became obvious to me that we would need to have another braai as soon as possible!

It then also occurred to me that if we practise hard for a few years we could become so good at braaing that we could even publish a book on braaing. And then I thought of a name for the book - "braaing with little bigdreb and shorefish."